I started internship eight days ago, on August 1. I'll be hanging out in Longmont, Colorado for the year, attempting to figure out how to be me and be in ministry, specifically as a pastor. The congregation is wonderful - warm with hospitality and generosity. I've collected so many gift cards since being here...for the grocery store and Target - the necessities.
I'm so excited for this year. And nervous. I'm waiting to find my pastoral identity...something I've heard seminary peers talk about. I wonder if it really exists. Will I always be trying to find this balance (if it's a balance...maybe more of a marriage?) between the real me and the pastor me? It is a humbling thing and such an honor to be welcomed immediately into people's lives in the role of their pastor. How could it be that I would ever assume such a role? I don't think it's something I assume on my own by any means; I believe it is something given/received. But why would someone choose to call me pastor? I'm just me...I'm no one special. I don't feel like I am any more special or any different to have this title placed upon me. So what do I do as someone who doesn't feel like as pastor and is supposed to be one? Granted I'm an intern, but the congregation has been trained (via previous interns) to call the intern simply "pastor". I think it's a good thing for me to experience that...especially if that's what people will call me someday should I have the privilege of being ordained to serve people through the word and sacraments...but it feels daunting when I think about it, and when I think about how much I don't feel like a pastor.
I ordered my first round of clergy shirts this morning. I am hopeful that seeing the collar on my frame might help my self-perception. It's always fun to order new things, but I wonder how it will be to try them on for the first time and see myself in a collar. And then wear one around people in my congregation. And then in public. I'm sure it will be an adjustment.
I hope to have some sense of being a pastor after this year of internship...seems like that should be the point of this year away from academia. I am so thankful for that separation, and it is so good to be back in Colorado. Mostly I'm excited for what lies ahead.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
