Seasons of Growth

Calling

2011-03-22T12:42:00.000-07:00

Today happens to be my birthday. My fiance surprised me with a weekend away in Salt Lake City and Park City for some skiing, snowshoeing, and Utah fun. What a wonderful break from the day to day.

It's back to the grindstone today. I am paging my way through the current Lutheran magazine, something I hope to read more regularly as I continue on this path to someday be a Lutheran pastor. The whole March mag seems to be about vocation, calling, vocational identity (pastoral identity in my case). Peter Marty wrote the opening article. One paragraph caught my eye - I love how he defines what it's like to have a calling. I had to share:

"If you are ever wondering what it is really like to experience a true calling, just be ready for the next time you find yourself totally absorbed in something. Your energy is high. Your have lost all sense of time. Your passion is unmistakable. A great sense of satisfaction has overtaken you. This is typically when we experience one of the greatest possible luxuries in life - the inability to know for sure whether we are working or doing something else altogether." (Peter Marty, The Lutheran Magazine, March 2011)

We all have a calling. Sometimes we are lucky enough to have our calling be the same as our vocation. As I think about graduates across the spectrum, I hope this quote can inspire someone like me - who just wanted to be told what would be best for me to do. Unfortunately, that doesn't exactly happen - there might be voices who tell you what to do, but I don't think anyone can know as well as God what it is you would be best at. It really is a process of discernment, one that lasts a lifetime.

Happy New Year

2011-01-01T11:07:00.000-08:00

It's a new year. And this year will be significant because I am getting married. I guess every year is significant in its own right, but this is one that I know about ahead of time. I'm not the resolution type - seems like a waste of time to me because by February all that one has hoped to do is long gone. But I realized last night I could make a resolution this year - in 2011 I'm going to get married. Ha. :)

I made an expensive, big-deal purchase yesterday. I bought a wedding dress! While Tom and I have reserved and put deposits on a number of things (ceremony and reception locations, catering, and now a photographer!), buying the dress felt like a huge step - one that means this is really going to happen. Crazy. I'm a little nervous because there were no stores that carried the dress I wanted so I am ordering blind and won't see it and try it on until the end of May. And I'm still a little disappointed that I had to give into the system of wedding dresses... I had wanted so badly to buy one on consignment - God knows I don't need someone to make a brand new dress for me to wear for a day - better for the environment, and hopefully easier on the wallet. Unfortunately that is not an easy route to go. As it should be, every girl has their dress tailored to them which means it fits their body. And the chances of someone else's body being the same as mine...very slim. Needless to say I did check out two bridal consignment shops in Denver (Altar Bridal and Eco-Bridal) and they had some great stuff, but nothing that fit me well enough to buy (and pay about the price I was looking to pay for a new dress anyway) and then have altered. I was so bummed. But I am so excited with what I ended up with. I can't wait to see it in May and finally try it on!

Tom and I leave for vacation in five days. Both of us are ready for some time off! And I'm a little nervous about the time off part because we'll be visiting friends and family and that doesn't usually lend itself to much time off. But we will fit it in. We need it. And then our parents are going to meet for the first time...

Internship...it's still going. I will say this Christmas I didn't feel very merry...six worship services in three days is a bit much for me and didn't feel much like Christmas. But that's the road Tom and I get to figure out now - how to create new traditions to make Christmas merry for us. Because the church part was mostly hectic, and honestly I kinda felt like McDonald's. People came to fill their order for the year and that's it. Where's the authentic side of it? I know not all people fall into that category on Christmas Eve or Day, but that's what it felt like for my first experience in a pastor role. I felt used and abused.

One new practice we are doing this year is to celebrate the 12 days of Christmas. Christmas Day is day one and on from there. (The secular counting down to Christmas as the 12th day has no ground.) We made a list before Christmas of things we wanted to do to celebrate Christmas every day. Our list included things like going to the movies (we saw Tron in 3D), watching Christmas movies at home (we watched White Christmas), going out to eat (we had a coupon to use at Joe's Crab Shack :)), going shopping (exchanges!), going ice skating (soon to happen with our new friends JC and KM and IMC), walking or driving to appreciate Christmas lights, etc. It's been fun to have something every day that we are consciously choosing to do to celebrate Christmas.

That's enough for today. May you experience God Incarnate - God in your world and the world around you - on this 8th day of Christmas and the rest of the year.

Wedding Planning

2010-11-09T13:37:00.000-08:00

So I got engaged almost 2 months ago to the most wonderful man (TH in past postings). We have picked a date for our wedding (July 4! 2011), which means we have a ceremony and reception site. I always knew planning a wedding was a gigantic task, but never realized how huge until I started planning my own. I've learned that the wedding industry is just that...an industry that is out to make money. I've had this feeling with some vendors over others, but it's good to keep in mind.

My mom, sister, and aunt were in town this weekend to do some wedding stuff with me! We had the best time, and I am so glad they came. Mostly we were looking for a wedding dress...what a tough job! We stopped at two boutiques on Friday and again on Monday, went to two bridal shows on Saturday, and took Sunday off mostly. My sister-in-law joined us for some things - a bridal shop owner-to-be someday? I found a few designers I liked and finally found a couple dresses I really liked - a possible 'the one'!

One of the goals for my fiance and I in this wedding planning is to be as locally sustainable as possible. This will show up in our choices for food, flowers, maybe even getting a wedding dress on consignment, and whatever else we can come up with. I'm very excited to be marrying someone that has these values with me so we can figure it out together!

We're in the process of reserving a caterer - what a process! We still have more tastings to do, but right now I'm in love with the first one we met. Next on the list somewhere is photography, flowers, wedding dress, bridesmaid dresses, and the groom's/men's suits or tuxes.

Internship is chugging along...there are ups and downs...I'm still trying to figure out what my role is as an intern, besides just being a student. This is such a different experience than when I was in a church before with a job description and everything. It's like I have to figure out my role, my duties, my place here. I hope I feel differently as the year progresses.

Could I be someone's Pastor?

2010-08-09T16:26:00.000-07:00

I started internship eight days ago, on August 1. I'll be hanging out in Longmont, Colorado for the year, attempting to figure out how to be me and be in ministry, specifically as a pastor. The congregation is wonderful - warm with hospitality and generosity. I've collected so many gift cards since being here...for the grocery store and Target - the necessities.

I'm so excited for this year. And nervous. I'm waiting to find my pastoral identity...something I've heard seminary peers talk about. I wonder if it really exists. Will I always be trying to find this balance (if it's a balance...maybe more of a marriage?) between the real me and the pastor me? It is a humbling thing and such an honor to be welcomed immediately into people's lives in the role of their pastor. How could it be that I would ever assume such a role? I don't think it's something I assume on my own by any means; I believe it is something given/received. But why would someone choose to call me pastor? I'm just me...I'm no one special. I don't feel like I am any more special or any different to have this title placed upon me. So what do I do as someone who doesn't feel like as pastor and is supposed to be one? Granted I'm an intern, but the congregation has been trained (via previous interns) to call the intern simply "pastor". I think it's a good thing for me to experience that...especially if that's what people will call me someday should I have the privilege of being ordained to serve people through the word and sacraments...but it feels daunting when I think about it, and when I think about how much I don't feel like a pastor.

I ordered my first round of clergy shirts this morning. I am hopeful that seeing the collar on my frame might help my self-perception. It's always fun to order new things, but I wonder how it will be to try them on for the first time and see myself in a collar. And then wear one around people in my congregation. And then in public. I'm sure it will be an adjustment.

I hope to have some sense of being a pastor after this year of internship...seems like that should be the point of this year away from academia. I am so thankful for that separation, and it is so good to be back in Colorado. Mostly I'm excited for what lies ahead.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Women Bishops

2010-03-20T12:01:00.000-07:00

Today is the first day of my spring break. I'm planning to go camping with the bf on the Central Coast of Cali later next week, but today I found myself thinking about the lack of women bishops in the ELCA. This conversation came up with some classmates a couple weeks ago, I think b/c of the honoring our foremothers event at PTLS last week.

As a church that ordains women and invites women as part of leadership, when will our beliefs about equality reach the level of bishop? From my own count (which could be wrong), there are only 6 women bishops out of the 65 synodical bishops of the ELCA. Why might this be? Are we as a people still ingrained to think that it is men who should hold the 'higher-up' positions? Are women simply told implicitly that being bishop is a job that a man should do? Are women simply not interested in holding the office of bishop? Why might that be? Are we as women ingrained to think that holding the office of bishop is something we can't do, and so we don't consider it? Are there not enough men encouraging women to run for the office of bishop? Are there not enough men even considering women who might be good for the job? (B/c let's be real...though we women want to fight for our rights of equality, we need help from the men to make it happen. We cannot do it alone.) I think there could be many reasons for this disparity. I realize that holding the office of bishop is a challenge, but I do not think it is one reserved for only men. I think women bishops could bring a different perspective to the position, and one that could reflect the majority of our active church members. (If we take a look at the percentage of women vs. men active in our congregations, it's likely that we see a higher percentage of women. This is obviously not reflected at the level of bishop. I think it's important for us to be aware of these differences.)

Thank you to these women for braving the way:

Bishop Jessica R. Crist, Montana Synod
Bishop Elizabeth Eaten, Northeastern Ohio Synod
Bishop Margaret Payne, New England Synod
Bishop Marie Jerge, Upstate NY Synod
Bishop Claire Burkat, Southeastern Penn. Synod
Bishop Wilma Kucharek, Slovak Zion Synod

Avatar and Mexico

2010-03-02T10:17:00.000-08:00

The Oscars will be awarded on Sunday night and Avatar is up for a number of them, including cinematography and best picture. There have been a number of reviews on this film, mostly critiquing the story line and the white messiah complex.... I went to see Avatar at the beginning of January, before I left for Mexico City on my [required] Cross-Cultural Experience for seminary. I have to say that this film changed my experience in Mexico. I saw the film in everything we talked about...indigenous peoples, liberation theology, the cycle of ver, pensar, actuar (to see, think, act)... I wrote a paper for my Systematic Theology class when I got back and I want to share it with you. It's just a start...I think there are other things that can be evaluated, like the Na'vi deity Eywa. I might get to that someday... I loved the film and think it can speak truth to us and how we see ourselves and those we forget daily and how we might all be part of the same world.

[Note: this entry includes spoilers if you haven't seen the film and still want to...I highly suggest it!]

Avatar and Mexico

I recently returned from a trip to Mexico City to fulfill my seminary’s cross-cultural requirement. I chose to go to Mexico City over other places, like Chicago or L.A., because I knew that it would be a deep experience for me in the Latino culture. I am not unfamiliar with Latino culture, but I wouldn’t say I am familiar either. In the time leading up to my departure for Mexico City, I happened to see the movie Avatar in the theatre. I must say I was blown away and impressed by what I saw. Little did I know, Avatar would have an incredible impact on my immersion in Mexico. During the whole 2.5 weeks of my trip I saw Avatar in everything! That is what this paper will present...

A little background on Avatar... It’s a movie about an indigenous people group called the Na’vi. The five Na’vi tribes live on Pandora, which is actually a moon of the planet Polyphemus, some 4.3 light years from Earth. Earthlings travel to Pandora in search of Unobtanium, a precious resource that can save Earth from its present energy crisis. I don’t know that they come out and say it, but it seems that the Earthlings are from the U.S., as they have marines and army on mission, and a high level of technology [read: expensive] only available in first-world countries. The Na’vi and Earthlings come into conflict when it is discovered that the Omaticaya tribe Hometree stands on the most Unobtanium-rich land in all of existence. The Earthlings are in pursuit of something to save Earth from their energy crisis, and the Na’vi are merely in the way, or so it seems.

A big part of our education in Mexico City was learning about globalization and NAFTA/free trade. This is one of the first places I saw Avatar. The scene that comes to mind is where character Parker is trying to explain to character Dr. Grace why it is so important that the Na’vi people be removed from their land. He mentions Unobtanium as the only goal for coming to Pandora, and the Na’vi as merely a road block. This relates to the relations of Mexico and its third world to the U.S. and other first-world countries. I couldn’t help but see the ties between the way we from the U.S. feel like we have the right to waltz into other people’s land and take what they have just because we can. This is what the military (U.S. or not) in Avatar think they can do to the Na’vi. The military assumes that because Unobtanium is needed on Earth, all others should bend to allow the removal of it, taking no consideration for the families, people, and customs that will be uprooted in the process. Between Mexico and the U.S., we (the U.S.) decided it was okay to take what we want and institute free trade (for goods, not people), having no thought of who our actions might be affecting.

The connection of the Na’vi to the indigenous of Mexico are so clear to me. There are a number of indigenous practices that show up in the Na’vi. One of those is the burial position. The indigenous believe that we belong to the Earth and so should depart it the way we came in - in the fetal position. The same is true of the Na’vi. There is one shot in the movie of a Na’vi burial where the dead is laid in the ground in the fetal position.

Another indigenous connection with the Na’vi is about misplaced sin. Because of what the “colonized” group (Earthlings, big business, etc.) want, we could say that the “sin” of the indigenous and the Na’vi is that they were born and live on land that is rich with resources. That doesn’t seem like a sin to me - to be born on a place rich with resources. The situation that happened in Avatar to the Na’vi also happened to the indigenous of Mexico, first when it was settled by the Spaniards, and now by the U.S. especially. When the Spaniards came to Mexico, they killed in the name of the church. I infer that it was then a sin that the indigenous people living there simply existed there, and their practices (religious and otherwise) didn’t look the same as the Spanish. Evidence for the church’s role in this is the way Catholicism is so “prevalent” in Mexico. I use quotations around prevalent because in my experience this time in Mexico City and other times to Mexico, it seems like there is a spirituality that runs deeper than the church. Catholicism seems to be a veneer of religion; the spiritual depth comes from a core that has existed much longer than the church and shows up in the symbolism found in Our Lady of Guadalupe.

One critique of Avatar that has been wide spread is that of the white messiah complex. In this film people see Jake Sully, the main character, who is white and even an ex-marine, end up saving the day and saving the Na’vi from destruction. I can see this argument for this film, but I don’t think it takes into account everything the movie has to offer. For one, Jake isn’t your average white guy; he is a cripple. He was hurt in battle somehow and has been in a wheelchair ever since. When he arrives on Pandora he is referred to as “Meals on Wheels.” We don’t often see the handicapped as having salvific power.

When it comes to beating the bad guys, Jake Sully is no longer Jake Sully. He is JakeSully, transformed into a man of the Omaticaya (one of five Na’vi tribes), and no longer who he was. He is not changed in merely physical appearance or status. Even the “real” Jake Sully, the non-Avatar Jake, has changed. The “real” world is no longer the place Jake wants to reside. He longs more and more to be with the Omaticaya as JakeSully. He becomes part of the Omaticaya in a way no human has ever done before. He is a recognized warrior of the clan and even takes a “woman”, Neytiri, as is the Omaticaya custom when he is born again as a man into the tribe.

Being a cripple and needing to give up his former life are two things that prove to me Jake Sully is not your average white messiah complex case. Another is that as an Omaticaya, Jake is not brought in once and for all. He is brought in and reborn as an Omaticaya man, but when the Omaticaya find out what he has been up to - that it was his job to infiltrate and learn about them so the military could attack them at their weakest spot - he is kicked out and branded a traitor. It is not an easy messiah road for Jake. He becomes the traitor of his human people, and his Avatar people. There are biblical characters who know this role of traitor - Moses, for one. Moses, though born a Hebrew, was raised by Pharaoh and so becomes a traitor when he leaves to follow his calling as a Hebrew to liberate them from Pharaoh’s oppression. Jake Sully is raised as a human, and as a marine, as someone who follows orders and doesn’t question authority. He begins to question, which leads him down the path of departure from his native people to follow his calling to liberate the Na’vi from the humans.

In the end, it turns out Jake is unable to save the day by himself anyway - more evidence against his white messiah role. Because he has to live in his Avatar to be any kind of liberator, he is struck in his most vulnerable state - when he is in the machine that links him with his Avatar as a human. This is how Colonel Quaritch is able to handicap Jake’s Avatar - by harming Jake’s human self when he is linked with his Avatar and vulnerable. Jake’s human body cannot function without oxygen, which makes it impossible as a human to survive on Pandora without O2 supply. When his O2 supply is compromised, Jake’s human body suffers, and as a result his Avatar cannot function. He can no longer save the day. In comes Neytiri, Jake’s Avatar partner (read: woman, wife) and a female warrior. Neytiri is the one who defeats Colonel Quaritch, and the military as a result. She is the one who saves the day, and saves Jake. If Neytiri would not have killed the Col. and not realized that it’s the human Jake that needs saving, Jake would have died.

I believe all these things make Avatar not your average white messiah complex movie. It is so much more. That Jake has to become part of the Omaticaya to have any cred and any chance of helping liberate them reminds me of the importance of listening to people and working with them, not for them. Jake couldn’t just waltz in and save the day. He couldn’t save the day in the end anyway. But he did help the Na’vi against the humans because he knew the human’s weakest points. He know what their tactics would be, and he knew how to hit them where it counts. Jake went in to become an Omaticaya in order to get them to move from Hometree, to help the humans in their pursuit of Unobtanium, and he came out (time and time again, in and out of his Avatar link) wanting to be part of the Omaticaya because they helped him truly see himself and the truth.

I see the ways I have fallen prey to the white messiah complex in my few experiences in Mexico. I have been on a handful of mission trips across the border and deeper into rural Mexico, and my experience in Mexico City this time has revolutionized the way I think about these kinds of trips. Before I thought we were doing the Mexicans (or you could say the poor of any country...even the U.S.) a favor by going to them and providing for their “needs”. When I think about it, this whole concept is full of white messianic principle...we go to the poor as rich, oftentimes white, kids/young adults/adults, from our place of privilege and power to “save” the poor from their sad state. We see commercials of kids without shoes asking us to donate money, ‘because isn’t it sad that this kid doesn’t have any shoes? And how many pairs of shoes do you have? All kids need shoes!’ Right? I don’t agree.

On this cross-cultural experience I learned the value of listening and investing in people. It is so easy for us who have money to just throw it at people who don’t. It’s a much easier way to help - we don’t have to get our hands dirty, we don’t have to travel, we don’t have to really see or experience the devastation. But we can feel better about ourselves when we give money. Now, I am not saying that people need to stop giving money to the poor and the needy in this world. It is true that we need to share our wealth, and that we can help provide for the basic needs of others, and then some. But we have forgotten that not everyone is the same. Not everyone needs what we think they need. For example, if you give shoes to a kid who has lived her whole life shoeless, and she lives in a culture where she won’t be able to buy new shoes after those ones wear out, by wearing the shoes you give her her feet will become soft and tender, instead of the tough and callous they need to be so she can live without shoes.

We can change this pattern by learning to listen to other people, especially people from other cultures who we are less likely to understand. We need to listen to what they are saying, listen to what they need, even ask what they need, just as Jesus asked the blind man what he wanted, instead of assuming he wanted to see (Mark 10:51). We need to get to know people as people and not as dispensable requirements for our system. We need to care for people and stand up for their dignity and their ability to care for themselves. We need to open our eyes to see the world around us the way Jake Sully came to see the Na’vi. It isn’t until we truly see that we can truly live.

Sermon posting?

2010-02-17T16:43:00.000-08:00

There are so many things I want to put on here and catch you up on all the happenings...seminary and otherwise. So much to do, and I never do it. Usually people complete that sentence with "so little time", but I think it's more about priorities. Oh well.

One of my latest questions about blogging is about posting sermons here for you to see. I preached last Sunday, the Transfiguration of our Lord. I've thought about putting my sermon on here so those of you that can't hear me preach can at least read it, but on the other side I think that sermons are such an experiential thing. Does reading a sermon really do the same thing? I think we as Lutherans are about the Proclaimed Word. The written word is important too but... My mixed feelings over posting sermons on my blog. It's a scary thing too b/c it's like I'm putting myself out for all the world to see and examine and evaluate. I don't think people are afraid to evaluate and critique sermons in a way unlike regular blog posts that are just my own life stories and musings. I'm sure some think I am making a big deal out of nothing...and if so, you can ask me to put my sermons on here and maybe that will help with my dilemma. Maybe give me a reason or two as to why you think I should or shouldn't.

Overall, life is good, school is pretty good, and there's more to say for another time.

A Friday Night in November

2009-11-20T19:50:00.002-08:00

Hi friends,

Well it's Friday night. We are definitely close to the end of the semester, as I have joined the other students here at Peoples (Berkeley coffee shop) tonight for a good study atmosphere away from home. There's just under 3 weeks worth of class left...and am I feeling it. I have three papers to write this weekend, all which should have been turned in earlier of course... Thankfully I have great professors who understand that sometimes life or class gets in the way and they can grace us enough to turn things in when they're done instead of by the deadline. Unfortunately that can be the worst news ever for me in writing papers...I'm so much better with a hard deadline b/c I work well under pressure! So nonetheless, here I am trying to meet my own deadline, procrastinating (obviously), and wishing that somehow these papers would write themselves. I enjoy the writing process, but it is a lengthy one for me, thus quite dreaded indeed. At least I have some good tunes to keep me company...EC gave me the new John Mayer, Battle Studies, this week. It's pretty great. I recommend it if you like some heart-felt lyrics, driven melodies, lots of musical layers, and some tasty blues every once in a while.

I'm heading back to the Midwest for Thanksgiving! Getting pretty excited. 5 days, I think? I'm trying not to count on account of all that work that needs to get done before leaving... I'll fly into MSP where TH will pick me up and we'll make the 3.5 hour trek to my parents' house for a long weekend. Eventually the group will include my grandparents, aunt and uncle, cousins, brother, parents, maybe a sister and another uncle. I'm under the impression that there will be no snow. So unlike the Thanksgivings past. I'm excited nonetheless - excited to see family and friends (maybe even KS and her husband!), and the family dog, of course. I'm even looking forward to those legendary conversations that come up only at family gatherings of this kind. Watching the Packers, eating turkey and all the fixin's, the cool Midwest air that smells of winter approaching, fires in the fireplace... Should be a great holiday. I love Thanksgiving. I hope yours is full of what you need this year...and may we all recognize and be thankful for the many gifts in our lives.

Endorsement, Horizon, and Fall Break

2009-11-08T08:31:00.003-08:00

It's about time I update you on all the latest happenings, including my Endorsement Interview! I had my interview on Oct. 13 and was Recommended for Endorsement! It is not an official Endorsement yet, as the whole Candidacy Committee needs to vote on the recommendation. I'm guessing I'll hear in the next couple weeks what the outcome is. The interview went well...and my committee was very supportive.

The Sassy Ladies trip in Austin was great. One of my highlights was going two stepping at the Broken Spoke, just outside Austin. What a great place! Looked like a 'hole in the wall' but turned out to be THE place to be on a Thursday night.

I still struggle with this system, of course, and now it shows up more in my experience of the way Internship is setup. There isn't one general pool of internship sites for all ELCA seminarians...congregations interested in having an intern need to apply to the seminary that they want an intern from, and those are the congregations that we end up at as interns. Seems to me like there should be an ELCA-wide system that supports all seminaries instead of making congregations choose one or another.

There's another internship track in addition to the 'regular' one I describe above - Horizon. It can be expensive to have an intern because the congregation is expected to pay for housing, health insurance, and a small stipend. Congregations that can't afford to pay for all of that can apply to be a Horizon Internship site and they will then be expected to pay only a third of the cost, the other two-thirds being provided by the seminary and the synod....I think...don't quote me as a source on these details! However it happens, Horizon is a different track for Internship. Students need to apply for a Horizon site if they are interested. It is a longer application process than the 'regular' internship track - more essays, etc. If a student is accepted into Horizon, they are then assigned a site and need to decide whether or not they still want to go. If so, that is their site. If not, they fall into the 'regular' internship track and get matched up with a congregation that way.

All this is to say that I applied to the Horizon Internship program. I don't think we hear about it until January, so I need to apply to be in the 'regular' track as well. I'll let you know how it goes. Horizon sites are all across the country, both urban and rural. I requested to be at an urban site. We'll see how it goes!

Classes are good...it's a little crazy around here. We had fall break recently (the last week of October) and it seems like for the rest of the semester we will continue to feel overwhelmed with all this work - especially paper writing.

Fall break was great! TH came for a visit the first weekend...so wonderful. TM came from Colorado for the rest of the week. It was so good to see her! She did some of her own sightseeing of San Fran while I did some work, and then we went to wine country together for some views at Cline and Paradise Ridge wineries. We stayed with KD and JW, and enjoyed some live music and cards at a coffee shop that night. The next morning we stopped by Muir Woods and Muir Beach on the way back to Berkeley. So beautiful. Those redwoods are breathtaking.

That's it for this morning. It's time for me to get ready for church. I hope you are enjoying the fall...the chill is starting to set in around here.

Challenges outside of class and Critique of the ELCA seminary system

2009-10-07T21:58:00.005-07:00

Outside of class I am challenged with personal growth issues that I first grew aware of in CPE (like finding a voice and learning to have confidence in the gifts God has given me, one of those being a leader - I find that using my gifts for leadership is especially challenging among my peers). I am challenged (and blessed) with living in a small community once again. I am challenged in caring deeply for someone 2,000 miles away and in looking toward an unknown future with him.

(There are a number of challenges our seminary system presents for single people, and married people, in the way it is setup...I believe all the parts are important (academic study, CPE, internship, a short cross-cultural experience, Teaching Parish), but it seems like there must be a better way...one more conducive to today’s person with financial challenges.

[Side note: did you know Lutheran seminary used to be free once upon a time? It was that way for my grandfather when he was in seminary so many years ago. Today we pay almost as much as a private school education, with tuition, room, board, insurance, and all the necessities. It’s ridiculous. There is help out there, but even the help isn’t across the board for everyone, nor is it very helpful for some. I am so frustrated with the scholarship philosophy currently, which favors students at some seminaries over others by having each school raise it’s own money for scholarships, instead of having a general pool of scholarship money for all eight ELCA seminaries. To me this system says that we care about students at some schools more than others. This is not consistent with our theology! I am so thankful to have gifts from family, friends, congregations, and PLTS to be able to be here.]

To explain why I think the seminary process isn’t so user friendly: “traditionally” it is expected that students complete four years of seminary - either at an ELCA sem. or at any school of your choice, but the latter requires a year of study at the former to be ordained in the ELCA, a requirement that seems very fitting. The third of those four years is for internship, unless the student has a legitimate reason for requesting a fourth-year internship (which sometimes then still requires a semester at sem. after, before being up for a congregational call). This means that for the first two years and the last year, a “traditional” seminary student can expect to be in one place (for me, Berkeley), unless the student decides to transfer for whatever reason. The third year is spent somewhere other than that one place, unless one restricts (which you also have to have reason to do...like your spouse works where you need to be, etc. Just wanting to stay in one place is not acceptable.) Let me say that I am not against moving or doing ministry in different contexts, especially different locational contexts around the country. The challenge for me, a single young person who is interested in finding someone to spend my life with, is that if I were to find someone that I was interested in at least exploring a future with someone, it is almost impossible that we could be in the same place for two or three years, thereby struggling to explore that future from a distance, which I have to admit is very hard to do. [For married or engaged people, there is a similar challenge that I won’t go into for the sake of this blog getting terribly long.] I am not saying any of this is impossible, but you’d think that we could work to make the system a little more “user” friendly. Some of my criticisms of this process...)

I am trying to take the current challenges (remember? I mentioned them so long ago at the beginning of this post.) head on, wrestling with them, and actively seeking to grow from them. I started going to therapy last week, and I am very excited about the potential gained from such experiences. I have already been exposed to so many opportunities to work on my personal growth, and it seems like therapy will be another step of intentionality about facing my challenges.

The Class (and Book) List

2009-10-07T21:36:00.004-07:00

I am very excited for this trip (Sassy Ladies). And it is a welcome excitement, for this school year has seemed really hard for me. Academically, things are great - I love my classes, and I even love what we’re reading and the things we’re being challenged to do! Though it’s a lot to keep up with, as usual, I am having so much fun. The rundown of classes, assigned textbooks and other reading:

Preaching - Preaching by Fred Craddock; The Homiletical Plot by Eugene Lowry

Systematic Theology - God - The World's Future by Ted Peters; various readings by a number of great theologians like Martin Luther, Karl Barth, Jurgen Moltmann, Dietrich Bonhoeffer, Catherine Mowry LaCugna, Karl Rahner, and Paul Tillich

Worship Prep - Preparing for Liturgy by Austin Fleming

Ministry Across Cultures (pre-req. for doing my Cross-Cultural Experience in January) - A Different Mirror: A History of Multicultural America by Ronald Takaki; The Wolf Shall Dwell with The Lamb by Eric Law; Injustice and the Care of Souls: Taking Oppression Seriously in Pastoral Care by Sheryl Kujuway-Holbrook and Karen Montagno; A Theology of Liberation by Gustavo Gutierrez

[Lutheran] Confessions - The Book of Concord: The Confessions of the Evangelical Lutheran Church ed. Robert Kolb and Timothy Wengert; Fortress Introduction to the Lutheran Confessions by Guenther Gassman and Scott Hendrix; The Augsburg Confession: A Commentary by Leif Grane; Lutheranism: The Theological Movement and Its Confessional Writings by Eric Gritsch and Robert Jenson

Sassy Ladies in Austin

2009-10-07T21:34:00.002-07:00

The time has come for the annual Sassy Ladies trip! I’m finally in Austin with the Sauey family ladies. There are 10 of us this year. My mom and I got to be the planners this year, so I’m pretty excited to show the girls around the city. Our itinerary includes things like the Austin Duck Adventures (which is totally perfect for our group!), touring the state capital, shopping on South Congress, and the Austin Bats under the South Congress bridge. I really enjoy getting to do this trip each year. I love getting to know my aunts and grandma better, and spending time with my mom and sis. Being in a group of ladies that are all related is a special, exciting, and meaningful experience. Last year I realized that we could be more intentional about learning from one another and sharing our life experiences, so one night I asked the group how they knew they wanted to marry the person they married, or what attracted them to him, etc. I really enjoyed the sharing that followed - it was a level of intimacy I hadn’t experienced with them. This year my mom and I have been intentional about including a time for that intimate conversation, and we’ve been trying to come up with questions to ask. My mom invested in a package of “girl talk” cards for some ideas. We haven’t decided on the question yet, but I am already looking forward to the conversation. One question I have been tossing around from conversations with my mom and sister is about giving up/changing/modifying last names for marriage. As women, I think this could be insightful and valuable for us. We’ll see what happens.

Back in Berkeley

2009-09-25T12:06:00.003-07:00

Alas, here I am once again, blogging to you, my faithful or not-so-faithful readers. Welcome to the next step in my journey as an ELCA seminarian.

A few unrelated thoughts first:

It seems that ever since my apartment was burglarized, I have been less in touch with the electronic world via the interweb. I would love to be more regular about blogging and keeping in touch with people through such wonderful inventions as Facebook. First the struggle was living without a personal computer. I realize this is such a sign of my being a resident of the "first-world". From what I have heard, most of the world survive without personal computers, and yet as a resident of this, the United States, I find myself unable to function at some level without my computer. It reminds me of those times when my cell phone doesn't work and I ask, how did the world function without cell phones? Granted I was even alive when we lived without computers or cell phones, and yet the inventions have been so novel and so helpful that I can't even remember what it was like to hope that someone would pick me up at the airport when my flight came in late or other similar situations for which the cell phone has been so helpful.

The second and latest struggle in my lessened ability to keep updated and updating is the beginning of another school year in which I have been working most to find the balance of full-time student life again. It takes a while to get back in the swing of things, though I can tell the process didn't take so long this fall as it did last year, when I was a new student after a 4-year hiatus.

Now here I am, finished with both my first year of seminary and CPE, beginning my second year of academic study. Sometimes I am overwhelmed with this process and the way it seems my life is planned out for the next few years. One would think this is a comfort. In fact, while life is planned for me, it is still largely unknown. As it is right now, I will be a seminarian for another 3 years (including the one I am just beginning). This year I continue to reside at PLTS, aside from my Cross-Cultural Experience in January, for which I am hoping to go abroad somewhere. Next year I will be on internship at a destination yet to be determined.

[I think internship is the piece that makes this journey uncomfortable. It makes seminary not like college, when I knew I would be at St. Olaf for four years. It's like this big question mark thrown into the mix, and it makes me feel unsettled. That could be a good thing...for I do believe (and experienced first-hand in CPE this summer) that it is when we get out of our comfort zones and when our ego is out of the way that the Spirit is able to work and have the greatest impact. Good thing aside, life feels uncertain and planned for me at the same time.]

The year after internship I return to PLTS for my fourth year and final year of study. It is after that time that I will go through Approval with my Candidacy Committee, and if they feel like I am a good candidate for ministry they will approve me and I will then move into the draft of new grads looking for a First Call. It is once I am so called to my first congregation that I can then be ordained. Ordination in the ELCA cannot happen until the First Call is initiated.

In a couple weeks I am up for the second of three steps in the Candidacy process (of which I mentioned Approval is the third and last, and Entrance is the first) - Endorsement. Endorsement is when I need to decide which track I am pursuing - ordination (pastor), consecration (diaconal minister or deaconess), or commissioned (Associates In Ministry or AIM). I am pursuing ordination. In addition to choosing a track to which one feels called, one then needs to write the Endorsement Essay, where one reflects on her call to ministry and tells her story since Entrance (traditionally coincides with the beginning of academic study at a seminary). The Endorsement Essay asks theological questions about the creeds, scripture, and other historical documents of which the candidate needs to disclose her thoughts. It also asks the candidate to reflect on the ELCA's Constitution and By-laws, as well as Vision and Expectations (written for all rostered peoples of the ELCA).

I have tossed around the idea of posting my Endorsement Essay here for you all to read. In the end I decided not to do that for a number of different reasons, one being that I didn't feel like I got to say all I wanted to say in the amount of space allotted. If you happen to be really curious and ask nicely, I may be inclined to email you a copy...

The final part of Endorsement is the Endorsement Interview, at which I sit before a couple representatives of my Candidacy Committee and my academic advisor at PLTS. From what I know they will ask me questions from their reading of my Essay, as well as anything else they feel they need to know in order to decide if they feel I should be Endorsed. My interview is on October 13 at 8am. I would appreciate any thoughts or prayers during that time, as the interview is an important and albeit a little scary part of the process. The Committee then decides if I should be Endorsed, Postponed, or Denied to continue as a candidate for ministry in the ELCA. I will definitely keep you updated as things progress.

I would like to blog about my classes this semester and other more personal things, but for now this post is long enough. More on those things another day. Grace and peace to you!

The End of CPE and The Beginning of the Next Transition

2009-08-24T23:27:00.003-07:00

It has been over a month since my last entry. I finished CPE on Friday and am now celebrating by spending a couple days with my sister in her new homestate of Florida. It has been so good to be with her again and get some small taste for her new life down here. Today (now technically yesterday) we spent the afternoon soaking up rays at Mexico Beach (on the panhandle...she lives in Panama City), and tomorrow we'll do the same at Panama City Beach. I'll head back up to Chicago on Wednesday night, pack up my apartment, and head to my parents house on Saturday. On Sunday I'll begin the drive back to the west coast. Right now the plan is to drive through Denver, stay a couple days, and make it out to Berkeley by September 5. Unfortunately I won't have much time to spend in Denver...I miss being there so much. I can't wait to get back, even for such a short visit. I'm going to miss DPR and APR, who will be out of town. I'm so sad. But I'm hoping to see EC, BS, TM, and CK at least.

I have loved living in Chicago this summer. It is such a fun city in the summertime. I've been able to spend time with such great people - I am going to miss that the most. I loved going out with TH, ZJ, and KJ. I cherished dinners with KG, JG, and MG. I will miss getting together with HS, BK, SN, and LN. I'll even miss living with SN - she has been a great roommate and a lot of fun to get to know. I'll also miss what Chicago has to offer - a beautiful skyline, Summer Dance in Grant Park, great museums, the lakefront, great food (I finally got to have curry last week and it was amazing!), user-friendly public transportation. I won't miss being on-call, sleeping (or not) at the hospital, writing intense self-reflective papers, and working M-F 8:30-4:30.

The end of CPE was bittersweet. I actually am glad I went through the process and let myself really engage with it and dig deep into my stuff. I can't say it was always fun, or that I would do it again (at least anytime soon), but I am thankful. Something important I have been learning these last couple weeks is about the way I am in the world. I was told at a friend's wedding that I am a private person. I never thought of myself as such, but have come to realize why I could/am perceived that way. I want to work on being more open and sharing myself with the world. I want to work on overcoming my fear and feeling of being unimportant so that I can be myself and have other people join me on my journey, instead of trying to do it all myself. I know this won't be an easy thing to learn, as I think our society encourages us to try to live life on our own without a community walking with us, but right now I am up for the challenge. I am also still working on having a voice. I want and need to stay conscious of both of these things as I head back to seminary.

I want to give you a little life update on the last month. The reason for my lack of blogging is that my apartment was burglarized almost a month ago. The intruder broke in/out through my bedroom window and stole mine and my roommate's laptops, as well as my digital camera and jewelry. It was a very traumatic experience, and I still find myself on edge about having windows shut and locked, for fear of someone breaking in. Thankfully neither my roommate nor I were present when the intruder broke in. I was the one who came home from work to find my room violated and our stuff gone. What a terrible experience. I don't wish it on anyone. And at the same time I know that things like this happen often - way more often than I even consider. It's terrible, and it happens, and it's not like I can do much to make it any different. Granted I could have been shutting and locking my windows all summer, but I have now learned my lesson. Things are much better now. I've been working with insurance (thankfully I had renter's - I recommend having it if you rent - it's cheap and worth it) - it's been frustrating b/c they're not going to give me enough to replace everything at the value I bought it all at, but at least they're giving me something. I'm typing this from my new MacBook Pro. I haven't replaced the camera or any jewelry yet. Eventually.

I think almost all of my dating friends have gotten engaged in the last month. It is absolutely ridiculous. As of today the list includes VT and DC, my brother and EJ, KD and JW, HS and BK, and KG and FK. That is so many weddings for next year. Don't get me wrong - I am excited for them all, but 5 engagements in one month...!

Two weekends ago I got to fly to L.A. and witness the marriage of my good friend EJ and his new wife CJ. They are such great people and I am so excited for them. EJ is a good friend from college, so it was a little Olaf reunion. Good times. It was so good to see "everyone", even if it was such a quick weekend and I feel like catching up just wasn't quite possible with each one.

That brings me to the end of CPE and now Florida. Soon to be Chicago to Wisconsin, to Denver, to Berkeley. I can't wait to get back to the Bay Area. I miss the seminary community and I am so excited to move in with KD! It's going to be a great year. Right now I'm trying to stay present in this transition, consciously saying my goodbyes, and hellos and goodbyes, and hellos again. Thanks for staying with me this summer if you made it this far. It was an important part of my journey, and just another season of growth. haha :) I'm not sure yet if I'll keep the blog going...my gut tells me I will so you can continue to follow me throughout my seminary experience, but we shall see. Until we meet again.

Finding a voice

2009-07-23T19:25:00.004-07:00

Hello readers,

I'm finally on the up from being sick last week. I was still sick through the weekend, but on Monday was able to see a few patients, though I wore a mask for their safety. Over the weekend I made it to the Chicago Summer Dance and got to enjoy people watching and listening to some salsa music. Delightful. I continue to enjoy Chicago so much.

This week feels like it has flown by. It hasn't been the best of weeks...I'm struggling with a couple aspects of CPE. It's still been good, but there are definitely frustrations. I don't feel like I can be really open about it on the interweb. Ultimately I know I have learned a lot about myself through this experience, and am continuing to, and that makes it all worth it. I am continuing to challenge myself in seeing patients, and am realizing other issues I have to deal with - regarding things like conflict (big surprise there), anger, perfectionism, among other things.

One thing that has been really eye-opening for me in the last week is to realize that I need and want to work on developing my voice in the sense that I want to grow in feeling comfortable enough to speak up and be heard. I never really thought that was a problem for me, but I've come to see it through being in this group of young men. Being with all these guys (5 of them, all who I love and enjoy) is good practice for me as a young woman who is going into a profession that is still dominated by men. There are definitely clergy women out there, but it is not equal. And I think I struggle with the confidence to be a strong woman in situations with these men. I want to work on that because I want to be a strong woman who isn't afraid to say what needs to be said. I don't want to just blend in with the guys (which is much easier, and sometimes a lot of fun). So I'm trying to figure out what that means for me and how that might look. I'm sure it'll be something to grow into and continue discovering.

This weekend I head to Reedsburg to hang out with my parents. I'm a little disappointed with how little time I've actually been able to spend with them. My CPE program isn't flexible hardly at all, and definitely not as much as I'd like. I think I'm going to be at the hospital every day between now and the end (August 21), less the weekend I head to L.A. for a close college friend's wedding in August, to make up for the couple days I've had to miss. Anyway, I am looking forward to a weekend with my parents and the dog! It sounds like my dad and I will compete in the Lazy Beaver Canoe Race on Saturday morning on the Baraboo River. It's supposed to be rainy I guess, but it will be fun! I haven't paddled in a while. It's kinda fun to be doing these races with my dad. We never did this stuff growing up. I'm glad we're getting the opportunity this summer. I hope the weekend treats you well!

Comedic Survival and Organ Donation (more on Brain Death)

2009-07-16T17:45:00.005-07:00

I have been surviving on comedies this summer. All the energy and intensity of CPE leads me to seek refuge in more mindless things where I can laugh, smile, and be touched by entertainment. I finally saw UP (the latest Disney-Pixar film) the other night. It is beautiful. I have to say, all in all I LOVE the Disney-Pixar films. One thing I particularly find heart-warming in UP is the relationship of the old man with the young boy. I wish more older people weren't afraid of the role they can play for young people. (I have to note that I do not know they are afraid, but this was my sense in doing youth ministry.) There is something so beautiful when we connect persons across generations. We all need each other!

I've also been ordering the early Will and Grace episodes through Netflix. I love that show. There is something attractive about escaping into a world where lines are perfectly delivered, and laughter erupts.

After a couple responses, I feel like I want to say more about the brain death on Sunday. That particular situation was painful for me because the patient was so young - only 46. That meant that there were generations on both sides affected by her death. It was tough to be with the patient's mother who seemed couldn't really grasp what was going on. She could see the heart monitor beeping and seemed unable to believe that her baby was dead. She was a very vocal woman, as was the whole family, and she spent much time praying (almost yelling) to God to heal her daughter. Through some of our conversation she talked of the burden she would carry if her daughter left - she felt like she would have to be strong and carry them all through. What a heavy load for one person to bear. I wanted to tell her that she didn't have to do that, that she could grieve, and in fact I think she should, but we are not there to give our opinions. We are there to listen. So that is what I did.

At our hospital, when a patient is brain dead, there is something unique that can happen as a result of the circumstances. Organ donation becomes a possibility. My CPE group just had a person from Gift of Hope, the organ donation organization, come in to tell us about organ donation last week, so when this death happened the information was fresh in my mind. I remembered how infrequently organ donation can even be an option - something like 2% of all deaths. Brain death is one of the unique opportunities for organ donation to be an option because the patient is on a ventilator and blood is still flowing through the body, so in a sense the organs are still functioning even though the brain is not (they are functioning b/c of the machines; they could not function on their own). Out of the 2% of deaths that can be offered organ donation, only something like 25% of those actually donate. This is for various reasons from choice of family to medical complications (like if the organs are not good enough to be donated, for example).

In my brain death experience, as the doctors were doing the final tests to be able to say for sure that the patient was brain dead and pronounce her as such, I had the opportunity to talk with the woman from Gift of Hope who would talk to the family shortly after the pronouncement. Gift of Hope talks to everyone who has the option of organ donation; they don't talk to those who don't, which means there is a little research done ahead of time to see if the patient can be an organ donor. This patient could, as was evident by the woman's presence. Her job is such a tough one and I got to witness why first-hand because I got to be in the room when she talked to them about the possibility of organ donation. I think it is a tough job because they have to talk to the family as soon as possible after death is pronounced so the medical staff can know what to do next. [With brain death this is removing the tubes; the tubes are left in if the patient will be donating organs. With cardiac death this is going into surgery ASAP because the organs are already starting to shut down as soon as death succumbs.] So moments after hearing the pronouncement of the patient's death, the family was in the room with the representative from Gift of Hope, and myself. The representative was very caring in her conversation, and recognized that they were in a place of deep grief. One of the hardest things for me was to realize that the oldest daughter of the patient, a woman not much younger than myself, all of a sudden was expected to make decisions about her mother's body as a result of death. I won't say whether or not they donated, but if you are interested in learning more about organ donation and why I think it is a great thing, you can check out Gift of Hope's website by clicking here. It is not an easy decision, but for me personally it is one that makes sense. I realize not all religions are open to organ donation, though most leave it up to each individual to decide.

A quick health update: still feeling sick, but took a long nap today and am looking forward to sleep tonight. I want to get better so I can go dancing this weekend at Chicago's Summer Dance at Millennium Park!

Books

2009-07-15T16:36:00.002-07:00

Of course there's been some reading as part of our CPE experience, and I just wanted to fill you in in case you're looking for some summer reading.

Awareness by Anthony de Mello

The Dance of Anger by Harriet Lerner

The first one we read as a group. It's not my favorite book of all time, but it presents good perspective and challenges the reader for personal growth.

The second I just started today and can already tell I will love it. It's written specifically for women; not sure if it would be helpful for men or not?

I have my first cold of the summer. I don't like being sick and it doesn't happen very often. I won't be seeing patients again until I get better, but I'm still going to the office because we do so much stuff each day as a group - processing verbatims, reflection papers, and didactics (a time for guest speakers on various topics - today we had an Orthodox Jewish Rabbi talk to us about Judaism). Every day usually includes time for doing rounds (seeing patients), and doing all that group stuff. Being sick doesn't make any of this a lot of fun, but we do so much processing and reflection every day that my supervisor thinks it's crucial for us to be there, and I can see her point. This is good work that we're doing. It's tough, but good, and takes a lot of investment in time and energy for me.

Hope you are all well.

My first brain death

2009-07-13T14:01:00.005-07:00

My weeks continue to be packed with either being at the hospital or doing everything I can to stay away, relax, and take in Chicago! This summer has been so great; I'm sad to think it's already about half-way over.

Some highlights:

I love seeing KG every week. She is a dear friend, mentor, and role model for me.
I got to spend Saturday afternoon with SN, a close college friend. We met downtown and wandered the lakeshore path to Navy Pier. (Side note: for anyone who hasn't experienced it, Navy Pier reminds me of Fisherman's Wharf or the Dells with all it's touristy hustle and bustle. Really it's not something to see. Though I haven't actually walked to the end of it yet, and I hear that's the only real highlight. I am deterred by the crowds that make it hard to even walk down the sidewalk.)
I have learned how to maneuver the CTA, Chicago's public transportation system. This gives me some sense of knowing I have experienced Chicago - buses, subway, L...it's a pretty great system, though expensive.

I was on-call twice this past week, once on Thursday night, and then again yesterday (a 24-hour) shift. Thursday's was totally quiet...no pages. It was a welcome shift since so many of my on-calls have been rather busy, unlike my CPE peers. Yesterday I went through my first brain death situation. Not an easy thing. For anyone. Brain deaths are especially hard for families to understand b/c the heart is still beating, and it looks as though they are still breathing since they're on a ventilator. The body is still warm, and so it doesn't make sense that there would be no chance of recovery. Brain death is one of two kinds of death that we see at the hospital, and it is the harder of the two for families to accept. Cardiac death is the other, and that's when the heart stops beating. Something about the flatline makes more sense for most of us in how we think of death. In brain death the heart monitor is still beeping b/c the heart is still pumping, but the brain is dead; there is no life and no way to revive them. The family I was with yesterday was struggling b/c it was very unexpected. The patient was rushed to the hospital in the morning because she was complaining of a headache and then passed out. The doctor later told the family the probable cause was a ruptured brain aneurism. The patient really had no chance. And they family wasn't aware of any indicators of poor health, so the whole thing was a surprise. It was hard to be with them, and that's about all I did - be present. I visited them numerous times, as when there is a brain death, there is a protocol the hospital has to follow to confirm that it actually is brain death. The protocol includes two exams of the patient in which they test reflexes to a number of things. At our hospital, the rule is that the tests have to be six hours apart, so there is a lot of waiting and down time.

I left the hospital early today to recover from the emotional drain of yesterday. And we started going through our mid-unit evaluations today. We had to write reflection papers on four of the nine outcomes expected of CPE students. Reflection papers range in topics...these were about our history, life story, and theology - how they were formed, and how they influence our ministry. We also had to write about how we receive and give critique. It takes so much energy for me to write papers like this. That is why doing CPE is so draining for me. The personal reflection is good, and I am learning a lot and being challenged in who I am and how I show up in ministry. But it feels like it sucks energy out of me sometimes and makes me wish I could be done and focus on enjoying Chicago. Alas, this is part of the process for ordination in the ELCA, and I still think it is a good and necessary part. I am thankful for the opportunity to experience a ministry that was completely unfamiliar to me prior to this summer.

Some pics for your enjoyment:

Chicago skyline from Shedd Aquarium on July 3rd

July 3rd fireworks, a Chicago tradition

Catch Up

2009-07-05T09:27:00.005-07:00

It's been so long since I last posted. I will attempt to do a little catch up, but it feels like there has been so much happening! Here are some highlights from the last couple weeks (you can click on the pics to enlarge):

I was home for the Reedsburg Butter Festival for the first time since high school. I'm not sure how we got to be the Butter Capital of the World, but that's apparently what we celebrate. As with any real festival, there was so much fried food, cut-off t-shirts, and tractors. A couple pics from the tractor pull (hopefully in the first one you can see the crowd sitting on the bleachers in the background, as well as the trucks, trailers, etc. used to transport the contestants):

My dad joined me for the Run for the Butter - 2 mile Fun Run. I was so proud of him - he hadn't run since probably high school and he ran the whole 2 miles! Don't remember what our time was, but we finished together. Notice the shorts my dad is wearing...go Packers! :)

The main reason for being home in Reedsburg that weekend was the wedding of a close high school friend. Some of the high school crew, 9 years post-graduation:

Over the last couple weeks I've been so social - even getting to see friends from seminary and the Bay Area. It's been wonderful, and keeping me so busy when I'm not at the hospital.

As for CPE, it's going well. I have to say, I've already realized that I do not feel called to hospital chaplaincy. If I could have it my way, I would be done with CPE already and just enjoy the summer and living in Chicago. There is so much to do here! I know CPE is good for me...it continues to be challenging (I still have to make myself knock on doors and talk to people when I'm on rounds). I struggle with the way we are to present ourselves...essentially we are to be as non-religious as possible, so that we can support all who are at the hospital. I support this idea, but it is hard to think that we are the religious leaders, so to speak, in the hospital, and even we are trying not to talk about God. We want the patients to lead our conversations, which I think is good, but if we can't talk about God, or encourage people to, or challenge them to (?), who will? We wear lab coats over business professional attire...no collars for me yet. I wonder what kind of pastoral identity I am developing. It doesn't really feel like pastoral development at this point, but I know the skills I am learning will contribute and challenge me to be a better leader in the church. It is good to be practicing our listening skills all summer...I find myself thankful for the Intro to Pastoral Care class I had last fall and all the listening practice we did.

Well friends, I hope you got to enjoy a long weekend. I surely did! I celebrated by going to the Shedd Aquarium, July 3rd fireworks (a Chicago tradition, I've heard), Wrigley Field for the Cubs vs. Brewers yesterday, and today I'm grilling and hanging outside with some CPE comrades. It has been an incredible summer already. I am loving Chicago...if it didn't get so cold here during the winter, I wouldn't think twice about moving here! It is so good to be near close friends - HS, KG, SN, and LN. And good to be making new ones - TH, SN, BK, ZJ, TG, JN, and BS. Thanks for all your thoughts and prayers - know that I am doing the same for you.

Personality tests and Verbatims

2009-06-19T08:56:00.000-07:00

I'm back in Reedsburg for KS's wedding. I got to take today off, which I have to say is a great thing. It's a challenge for me to be required to work six days a week. I am not one who lives to be in the office. It's just not how I'm wired.

I'm scrapping the attempt at organization from the last blog...though I'm still trying to figure out my style. There are other blogs that I keep up on and at some point it seems that the blogger wants to know who's reading. I typically wouldn't respond to such a request, and didn't really know why they wanted to know so badly until I started my own. I'm not asking you to respond, but I do get the whole 'I wonder who's reading my blog' thing.

Another piece of business about the blog that you'll see in the next paragraph - I just figured out that I can insert links to help you learn more about some things that I talk about. You can see that some of the words are green and bold below. You can click on those words and be taken to a site that I linked for your convenience to help explain that topic. The links I'm using right now are from Wikipedia (an online encyclopedia), and while I don't agree or ascribe to everything in the link, it is at least helpful if you need more information on the topic.

I told you in my last blog that in Group we had to share our stories. We will be doing a lot of learning and conversation about numerous things over the summer. We did some personality tests this week - the Enneagram (my favorite!), Myers-Briggs, and Keirsey Temperament. The MB and KT are related somehow. I have to say I am not a fan of that system. It might have to do with testing different on the MB every time I take it (3 and counting), and my MB type not fitting under what Temperament I think I am. It is not very helpful. This time I tested ISXX (which, for those of you that know the MB means that I tested equal for T/F and P/J). I most identify with the Idealist Temperament. On the Enneagram I am a 9 (the best type, as DPR would say :)). I love talking about the Enneagram, so if you ever want to know more, ask!

Another new component we added to Group this week was Verbatims. We are all required to do eight verbatims. A quick explanation from what I know: a verbatim is a reflection on one specific encounter with a patient. We are to type up the whole conversation, line by line, and include our own reflections on how we did, why we said this or that, or what our reactions were. We then bring our verbatim to the Group where everyone reads it - other group members even read your conversation line by line so you can hear how it sounds. Then we have conversation about it as a group, offering constructive criticism, encouragement, affirmation, etc. The purpose is for self-growth of course (that's pretty much what this whole program is about), so it's about being challenged to learn about my responses to the world and why I respond that way.

I drove through the worst storm in my life last night from Chicago to Reedsburg. I was seriously wondering when I would be swept off the road in a tornado. I envisioned living the movie Twister. I am thankful to be at home, spending time with my parents and playing with Abby (the family dog). Butter Fest is tonight and tomorrow (for me, really it is a week-long affair) - I'm excited for the tractor pull and demolition derby!, and KS's wedding tomorrow.

Units, Stories, and Running

2009-06-16T15:08:00.000-07:00

[I think I'm going to try and split my blogs into two sections: CPE and Homelife. Don't know if I'll like the format yet, or if it's necessary, but I'm trying it this time.]

CPE

It's week 2, and things are still going well. The rest of that first on-call shift was pretty slow...I had a page at 2am, and so responded, but there ended up not being much to do, so I hung around for a while, and then went back to bed (we sleep in the Pastoral Care office, adjacent to the hospital, when on-call).

Getting to meet with patients more continues to be valuable. Each time I become more comfortable, and yet it is still challenging. I never know what will happen when I knock on the door to check in while making rounds, or while following up on a request. (People are asked when they arrive to the hospital if they would like a chaplain to visit them. If they say yes, it gets put in the computer system and somehow we get the fax request and follow up with them.)

I haven't told you what units I am assigned to yet - for the summer during the week I'll be doing rounds on the Pediatrics, Pediatric-ICU (Intensive Care Unit) or PIC-U, and the MIC-U (Medical Intensive Care Unit) Stepdown (meaning the patients are getting better, and probably going home soon - they don't need as much care as in the ICU). I've been doing rounds on these floors since Friday (i.e. for three days, since on weekends we don't make rounds). When I say I'm doing rounds, it means I'm just walking around the floor, checking in with patients to see how they are, and if I can be helpful to them at all. If they happen to engage in conversation somehow, I can pray with them, listen to them, read scripture, or whatever they need. I have been doing a bit of everything. Mostly praying - people are very thankful to be prayed for, it seems, but not all want to get into much conversation. Some do, and I enjoy that. I am realizing what a unique role chaplains have because we usually see people for such a short period of time (I heard the average hospital stay nowadays is 7-9 days). Because of that it can be easier to ask the tough questions more up front and give people the opportunity to talk about their experiences and their suffering. We don't have to worry about building a great relationship, because once they leave it's over. Hospital chaplains have a very unique ministry field.

Our whole group (7 of us + the supervisor) meets every morning for Morning Prayer. We each take turns leading it. Then we usually have something to do together in the mornings. We break for lunch, come back to finish whatever we were doing, and then head out to the Units for rounds. In group over the last two days we all got to tell our Story. Our life story, our call story, whatever we felt was important in shaping us to be who we are. It was helpful for me to think about this question when preparing: how does your story affect your ministry? We were to find the theological themes in our lives - how are things related, what themes have been recurring, etc. I have done the story-telling thing so many times that I don't really prepare much anymore, but I find myself remembering different things each time. This time I tried to wonder about how I function in ministry - what drives me - and where that came from. I decided that there is a theme of compassion in who I am. Ever since I was young I have felt compassion for people, feeling their pain (and wanting it to go away maybe?). I have a sensitivity for sensing when other people hurt or feeling left out, etc., and I find my heart breaking and wanting to reach out to them. I have to root for the underdog. I want to let those who aren't heard be heard, and defend those who need to be defended. Obviously, I don't always do this, as it is challenging to do every time, but the sense of compassion is always there, trying to call me out of my fear.

Homelife

As for life outside of CPE, I am still staying really busy. Sunday after getting off I joined a close college friend, HS (initials - a practice I appreciate from KS's blog), for worship at SLLC in Logan Square, then lunch at the Farmers' Market there. When I got back I got a call from TH, a CPE colleague, who wanted to head to the lake, so we spent the afternoon by the waters of Lake Michigan with the thousands of other people at Lincoln Park. We grabbed dinner and saw The Hangover that night (hilarious movie, but completely inappropriate and I wouldn't recommend it to some of you who read this blog... :)).

Last night I went for what ended up being a rejuvenating run to prep for the two-mile Fun Run I'll be running on Saturday in Reedsburg (hometown). Tonight it's raining so no run, but maybe some pool with my neighbor again. I got Friday off so I will head home on Thursday night after work and be there all weekend for the Butter Fest and a high school friend's wedding. I might even get to work a table at the Butter Fest with my mom. Good times. I love being from a small town.

The first on-call shift

2009-06-13T15:38:00.000-07:00

Hello readers.

The week escaped faster than I thought. I am now finished with my first week of CPE and currently doing my first on-call shift. That means that, since it is Saturday, I am in the hospital from 9am-9am on Sunday. Mostly I am to respond to whatever immediate needs come up, and I have also been doing some follow-up with patients (which means they have asked for someone from the Chaplain's Office to visit them again).

The week went well. I was feeling pretty anxious about everything all week. We spent most of our time taking care of paperwork stuff, learning policies, and doing role-play to practice for real situations. We've practiced and talked about what to do in all sorts of circumstances - the everyday to the sudden traumatic. I can't say I feel confident in everything yet, even the basics, but as I get to know the hospital more, and meet with patients more, my anxiety is lessening.

Meeting with patients has been great, though I find it interesting that so far almost every time I pray with a patient or with their family I find myself getting emotional. It's hard for me to talk when I want to cry, so this is difficult, but I'm working through it and continuing to pray for strength, peace, and comfort. I haven't lost it with any patients, nor have I even cried really, but my voice changes, and I'm sure they can tell something is up. I haven't figured out why my body responds that way yet...I wonder if it's because I feel touched to be in that sacred space with people. Sometimes it might be because I wish they didn't have to be in the hospital and suffer from whatever it is. I think usually it is feeling so honored to be invited into people's lives, just for a moment, to walk with them on part of the journey, and know that we are all in it together. Praying with people is usually powerful for me, especially when we are praying specifically for something to happen. In this case it is mostly healing. I pray for the doctors and nurses that serve the patients, and for the families, too.

I mentioned before that I am on-call today. I will be on-call 10 times this summer, approximately once per week. We are on-site when on-call, so I stay in our Pastoral Care office when I'm not seeing patients or getting outside for some air.

I said in earlier posts that I am part of a group of 7 that are doing this program together. My group is great and we get along well. It is fun to be together - that helped this orientation week to go by more quickly. It will be good to learn from each other as we all go through this together. The religious breakup: three ELCA Lutherans (including myself), two men studying to be Catholic priests, one Evangelical Covenant, and one Baptist. We are a good mix.

When I'm not at the hospital, I've been staying pretty busy. I spent time with my neighbor playing pool one night, hung out with some fellow CPE students another, and got to have dinner last night with some close college friends. Coming to Chicago was a great idea, both in being able to be close to my parents and grandparents, and getting to be near close friends that I haven't seen in a while.

That's enough for this post. I hope you are enjoying reading about one ELCA seminarian's experience of CPE.

A good start

2009-06-08T19:05:00.000-07:00

My first day of CPE has come and gone. All in all it was a good day. Full of awkwardness all over the place, but that is to be expected. I think my group will be fun to work with. We at least attempted some bonding today, and I think all made some kind of connection with each other. We are down to a group of seven from eight, the last had to move out of state at the last minute and so won't be able to join us. So for this summer unit it'll be me, five guys around my age, and one other woman who has done numerous units of CPE. [Sidenote: As forewarned by some of my seminary peers, I will refrain from talking about my group members or the issues that they struggle with over the course of the summer. It is not my job or my interest to analyze them, especially on the interweb. I intend for this blog to be about me, my life, and the issues I feel comfortable bringing up with the entire world. Hopefully that will be interesting enough for you readers out there (who I imagine would rather hear about my own experience of CPE anyway).] I am less nervous about this whole endeavor than I was last night. I am excited to go through this experience with my group, learn a lot about myself, and be challenged in ways I can't foresee. We will start on the floor (whatever that means) on Thursday...still a little nervous about actually doing what we talked about today (dealing a lot with crisis situations surrounding death), but feeling more confident in the skills I will acquire and get to work on when the time comes.

There isn't too much else to report about for today. I went for a good run after getting home, which is always refreshing and uplifting. I'm thinking about running the Two-Mile Fun Run at the Run for the Butter in my hometown in a couple weekends. My hometown, Reedsburg, Wisconsin, is known as the Butter Capital of the World (I have no idea how it got to be that way), so we celebrate the Butter Festival every June. I haven't been in town for it since high school. They elect a Miss Reedsburg, who some of us endearingly call the Butter Queen. Should be a good time. The real reason for my returning to Reedsburg that weekend is to see a close high school friend be married off. I can't wait!

To Begin

2009-06-07T18:22:00.001-07:00

Hello friends, family, and other interested readers.

If you can't tell already, I have never kept a blog before. I have never published my ideas, experiences, and thoughts publicly. This is a totally new experience. And yet, it seems fitting to start one now, as I am on the brink of another totally new experience - that of CPE. CPE stands for Clinical Pastoral Education, and it is a required component for those seeking to be ordained in the ELCA (Evangelical Lutheran Church in America). I myself am in that group - I just finished my first year of seminary at Pacific Lutheran Theological Seminary in Berkeley, California. And now here I am in my new apartment in Chicago...

I don't really know how this experience will go...(I was referring first to blogging, and then realized I feel the same about CPE tonight...) My reason and interest in keeping a blog during this time in my life (and who knows if it might extend further?) is as an outlet and a place of processing... I hope that having motivation to write about my experiences in a format that will be seen by others and not just myself will force me to sort out whatever needs to be...my thoughts, feelings, experiences... I know this summer (did I say I'm just doing CPE for the summer?) will be challenging personally, emotionally, mentally, spiritually...and I'd like a way to motivate myself to write about it regularly. I don't find that journaling always does that for me...I do journal quite often, but really I go through phases and I might feel less inclined to journal this summer than to blog...

So here I am. Here we are. At the beginning. It's the night before I begin. A little more about CPE - I'm doing one unit, which is typically done over the summer. You can also do it over the course of a semester, or there are year-long CPE programs. The ELCA simply requires me to do one unit. CPE is typically done in a hospital setting, gaining practical experience as a Chaplain Extern (as my hospital ID badge says). I will be in a group of eight students, five are fellow seminarians, though not from my seminary and I doubt I know them. One of the others is a priest, and the last has done CPE before. As far as I know, I have not met any of these people previously. We all go through the experience together, meeting as a group to talk about our experiences, work through our personal issues, and hone our skills for conflict management. We are led by a supervisor, who is a hospital chaplain. I will meet all of these people tomorrow (less my supervisor who I met face-to-face last week), and find out more about what exactly we'll be doing. From what I know this week will consist mainly of orientation matters.

That seems like a good place to start, and a good place to finish my first blog. Feel free to leave comments or contact me should you have any questions or want further information. Thanks for being on this journey with me - I am happy to have your company, thoughts, prayers, love, hugs, phone calls, emails, etc.

Anticipant, hopeful, and a little nervous,

Kirsten