The End of CPE and The Beginning of the Next Transition

It has been over a month since my last entry. I finished CPE on Friday and am now celebrating by spending a couple days with my sister in her new homestate of Florida. It has been so good to be with her again and get some small taste for her new life down here. Today (now technically yesterday) we spent the afternoon soaking up rays at Mexico Beach (on the panhandle...she lives in Panama City), and tomorrow we'll do the same at Panama City Beach. I'll head back up to Chicago on Wednesday night, pack up my apartment, and head to my parents house on Saturday. On Sunday I'll begin the drive back to the west coast. Right now the plan is to drive through Denver, stay a couple days, and make it out to Berkeley by September 5. Unfortunately I won't have much time to spend in Denver...I miss being there so much. I can't wait to get back, even for such a short visit. I'm going to miss DPR and APR, who will be out of town. I'm so sad. But I'm hoping to see EC, BS, TM, and CK at least.

I have loved living in Chicago this summer. It is such a fun city in the summertime. I've been able to spend time with such great people - I am going to miss that the most. I loved going out with TH, ZJ, and KJ. I cherished dinners with KG, JG, and MG. I will miss getting together with HS, BK, SN, and LN. I'll even miss living with SN - she has been a great roommate and a lot of fun to get to know. I'll also miss what Chicago has to offer - a beautiful skyline, Summer Dance in Grant Park, great museums, the lakefront, great food (I finally got to have curry last week and it was amazing!), user-friendly public transportation. I won't miss being on-call, sleeping (or not) at the hospital, writing intense self-reflective papers, and working M-F 8:30-4:30.

The end of CPE was bittersweet. I actually am glad I went through the process and let myself really engage with it and dig deep into my stuff. I can't say it was always fun, or that I would do it again (at least anytime soon), but I am thankful. Something important I have been learning these last couple weeks is about the way I am in the world. I was told at a friend's wedding that I am a private person. I never thought of myself as such, but have come to realize why I could/am perceived that way. I want to work on being more open and sharing myself with the world. I want to work on overcoming my fear and feeling of being unimportant so that I can be myself and have other people join me on my journey, instead of trying to do it all myself. I know this won't be an easy thing to learn, as I think our society encourages us to try to live life on our own without a community walking with us, but right now I am up for the challenge. I am also still working on having a voice. I want and need to stay conscious of both of these things as I head back to seminary.

I want to give you a little life update on the last month. The reason for my lack of blogging is that my apartment was burglarized almost a month ago. The intruder broke in/out through my bedroom window and stole mine and my roommate's laptops, as well as my digital camera and jewelry. It was a very traumatic experience, and I still find myself on edge about having windows shut and locked, for fear of someone breaking in. Thankfully neither my roommate nor I were present when the intruder broke in. I was the one who came home from work to find my room violated and our stuff gone. What a terrible experience. I don't wish it on anyone. And at the same time I know that things like this happen often - way more often than I even consider. It's terrible, and it happens, and it's not like I can do much to make it any different. Granted I could have been shutting and locking my windows all summer, but I have now learned my lesson. Things are much better now. I've been working with insurance (thankfully I had renter's - I recommend having it if you rent - it's cheap and worth it) - it's been frustrating b/c they're not going to give me enough to replace everything at the value I bought it all at, but at least they're giving me something. I'm typing this from my new MacBook Pro. I haven't replaced the camera or any jewelry yet. Eventually.

I think almost all of my dating friends have gotten engaged in the last month. It is absolutely ridiculous. As of today the list includes VT and DC, my brother and EJ, KD and JW, HS and BK, and KG and FK. That is so many weddings for next year. Don't get me wrong - I am excited for them all, but 5 engagements in one month...!

Two weekends ago I got to fly to L.A. and witness the marriage of my good friend EJ and his new wife CJ. They are such great people and I am so excited for them. EJ is a good friend from college, so it was a little Olaf reunion. Good times. It was so good to see "everyone", even if it was such a quick weekend and I feel like catching up just wasn't quite possible with each one.

That brings me to the end of CPE and now Florida. Soon to be Chicago to Wisconsin, to Denver, to Berkeley. I can't wait to get back to the Bay Area. I miss the seminary community and I am so excited to move in with KD! It's going to be a great year. Right now I'm trying to stay present in this transition, consciously saying my goodbyes, and hellos and goodbyes, and hellos again. Thanks for staying with me this summer if you made it this far. It was an important part of my journey, and just another season of growth. haha :) I'm not sure yet if I'll keep the blog going...my gut tells me I will so you can continue to follow me throughout my seminary experience, but we shall see. Until we meet again.

Finding a voice

Hello readers,

I'm finally on the up from being sick last week. I was still sick through the weekend, but on Monday was able to see a few patients, though I wore a mask for their safety. Over the weekend I made it to the Chicago Summer Dance and got to enjoy people watching and listening to some salsa music. Delightful. I continue to enjoy Chicago so much.

This week feels like it has flown by. It hasn't been the best of weeks...I'm struggling with a couple aspects of CPE. It's still been good, but there are definitely frustrations. I don't feel like I can be really open about it on the interweb. Ultimately I know I have learned a lot about myself through this experience, and am continuing to, and that makes it all worth it. I am continuing to challenge myself in seeing patients, and am realizing other issues I have to deal with - regarding things like conflict (big surprise there), anger, perfectionism, among other things.

One thing that has been really eye-opening for me in the last week is to realize that I need and want to work on developing my voice in the sense that I want to grow in feeling comfortable enough to speak up and be heard. I never really thought that was a problem for me, but I've come to see it through being in this group of young men. Being with all these guys (5 of them, all who I love and enjoy) is good practice for me as a young woman who is going into a profession that is still dominated by men. There are definitely clergy women out there, but it is not equal. And I think I struggle with the confidence to be a strong woman in situations with these men. I want to work on that because I want to be a strong woman who isn't afraid to say what needs to be said. I don't want to just blend in with the guys (which is much easier, and sometimes a lot of fun). So I'm trying to figure out what that means for me and how that might look. I'm sure it'll be something to grow into and continue discovering.

This weekend I head to Reedsburg to hang out with my parents. I'm a little disappointed with how little time I've actually been able to spend with them. My CPE program isn't flexible hardly at all, and definitely not as much as I'd like. I think I'm going to be at the hospital every day between now and the end (August 21), less the weekend I head to L.A. for a close college friend's wedding in August, to make up for the couple days I've had to miss. Anyway, I am looking forward to a weekend with my parents and the dog! It sounds like my dad and I will compete in the Lazy Beaver Canoe Race on Saturday morning on the Baraboo River. It's supposed to be rainy I guess, but it will be fun! I haven't paddled in a while. It's kinda fun to be doing these races with my dad. We never did this stuff growing up. I'm glad we're getting the opportunity this summer. I hope the weekend treats you well!

Comedic Survival and Organ Donation (more on Brain Death)

I have been surviving on comedies this summer. All the energy and intensity of CPE leads me to seek refuge in more mindless things where I can laugh, smile, and be touched by entertainment. I finally saw UP (the latest Disney-Pixar film) the other night. It is beautiful. I have to say, all in all I LOVE the Disney-Pixar films. One thing I particularly find heart-warming in UP is the relationship of the old man with the young boy. I wish more older people weren't afraid of the role they can play for young people. (I have to note that I do not know they are afraid, but this was my sense in doing youth ministry.) There is something so beautiful when we connect persons across generations. We all need each other!

I've also been ordering the early Will and Grace episodes through Netflix. I love that show. There is something attractive about escaping into a world where lines are perfectly delivered, and laughter erupts.

After a couple responses, I feel like I want to say more about the brain death on Sunday. That particular situation was painful for me because the patient was so young - only 46. That meant that there were generations on both sides affected by her death. It was tough to be with the patient's mother who seemed couldn't really grasp what was going on. She could see the heart monitor beeping and seemed unable to believe that her baby was dead. She was a very vocal woman, as was the whole family, and she spent much time praying (almost yelling) to God to heal her daughter. Through some of our conversation she talked of the burden she would carry if her daughter left - she felt like she would have to be strong and carry them all through. What a heavy load for one person to bear. I wanted to tell her that she didn't have to do that, that she could grieve, and in fact I think she should, but we are not there to give our opinions. We are there to listen. So that is what I did.

At our hospital, when a patient is brain dead, there is something unique that can happen as a result of the circumstances. Organ donation becomes a possibility. My CPE group just had a person from Gift of Hope, the organ donation organization, come in to tell us about organ donation last week, so when this death happened the information was fresh in my mind. I remembered how infrequently organ donation can even be an option - something like 2% of all deaths. Brain death is one of the unique opportunities for organ donation to be an option because the patient is on a ventilator and blood is still flowing through the body, so in a sense the organs are still functioning even though the brain is not (they are functioning b/c of the machines; they could not function on their own). Out of the 2% of deaths that can be offered organ donation, only something like 25% of those actually donate. This is for various reasons from choice of family to medical complications (like if the organs are not good enough to be donated, for example).

In my brain death experience, as the doctors were doing the final tests to be able to say for sure that the patient was brain dead and pronounce her as such, I had the opportunity to talk with the woman from Gift of Hope who would talk to the family shortly after the pronouncement. Gift of Hope talks to everyone who has the option of organ donation; they don't talk to those who don't, which means there is a little research done ahead of time to see if the patient can be an organ donor. This patient could, as was evident by the woman's presence. Her job is such a tough one and I got to witness why first-hand because I got to be in the room when she talked to them about the possibility of organ donation. I think it is a tough job because they have to talk to the family as soon as possible after death is pronounced so the medical staff can know what to do next. [With brain death this is removing the tubes; the tubes are left in if the patient will be donating organs. With cardiac death this is going into surgery ASAP because the organs are already starting to shut down as soon as death succumbs.] So moments after hearing the pronouncement of the patient's death, the family was in the room with the representative from Gift of Hope, and myself. The representative was very caring in her conversation, and recognized that they were in a place of deep grief. One of the hardest things for me was to realize that the oldest daughter of the patient, a woman not much younger than myself, all of a sudden was expected to make decisions about her mother's body as a result of death. I won't say whether or not they donated, but if you are interested in learning more about organ donation and why I think it is a great thing, you can check out Gift of Hope's website by clicking here. It is not an easy decision, but for me personally it is one that makes sense. I realize not all religions are open to organ donation, though most leave it up to each individual to decide.

A quick health update: still feeling sick, but took a long nap today and am looking forward to sleep tonight. I want to get better so I can go dancing this weekend at Chicago's Summer Dance at Millennium Park!

Books

Of course there's been some reading as part of our CPE experience, and I just wanted to fill you in in case you're looking for some summer reading.

Awareness by Anthony de Mello

The Dance of Anger by Harriet Lerner

The first one we read as a group. It's not my favorite book of all time, but it presents good perspective and challenges the reader for personal growth.

The second I just started today and can already tell I will love it. It's written specifically for women; not sure if it would be helpful for men or not?

I have my first cold of the summer. I don't like being sick and it doesn't happen very often. I won't be seeing patients again until I get better, but I'm still going to the office because we do so much stuff each day as a group - processing verbatims, reflection papers, and didactics (a time for guest speakers on various topics - today we had an Orthodox Jewish Rabbi talk to us about Judaism). Every day usually includes time for doing rounds (seeing patients), and doing all that group stuff. Being sick doesn't make any of this a lot of fun, but we do so much processing and reflection every day that my supervisor thinks it's crucial for us to be there, and I can see her point. This is good work that we're doing. It's tough, but good, and takes a lot of investment in time and energy for me.

Hope you are all well.

My first brain death

My weeks continue to be packed with either being at the hospital or doing everything I can to stay away, relax, and take in Chicago! This summer has been so great; I'm sad to think it's already about half-way over.

Some highlights:

• I love seeing KG every week. She is a dear friend, mentor, and role model for me.
• I got to spend Saturday afternoon with SN, a close college friend. We met downtown and wandered the lakeshore path to Navy Pier. (Side note: for anyone who hasn't experienced it, Navy Pier reminds me of Fisherman's Wharf or the Dells with all it's touristy hustle and bustle. Really it's not something to see. Though I haven't actually walked to the end of it yet, and I hear that's the only real highlight. I am deterred by the crowds that make it hard to even walk down the sidewalk.)
• I have learned how to maneuver the CTA, Chicago's public transportation system. This gives me some sense of knowing I have experienced Chicago - buses, subway, L...it's a pretty great system, though expensive.

I was on-call twice this past week, once on Thursday night, and then again yesterday (a 24-hour) shift. Thursday's was totally quiet...no pages. It was a welcome shift since so many of my on-calls have been rather busy, unlike my CPE peers. Yesterday I went through my first brain death situation. Not an easy thing. For anyone. Brain deaths are especially hard for families to understand b/c the heart is still beating, and it looks as though they are still breathing since they're on a ventilator. The body is still warm, and so it doesn't make sense that there would be no chance of recovery. Brain death is one of two kinds of death that we see at the hospital, and it is the harder of the two for families to accept. Cardiac death is the other, and that's when the heart stops beating. Something about the flatline makes more sense for most of us in how we think of death. In brain death the heart monitor is still beeping b/c the heart is still pumping, but the brain is dead; there is no life and no way to revive them. The family I was with yesterday was struggling b/c it was very unexpected. The patient was rushed to the hospital in the morning because she was complaining of a headache and then passed out. The doctor later told the family the probable cause was a ruptured brain aneurism. The patient really had no chance. And they family wasn't aware of any indicators of poor health, so the whole thing was a surprise. It was hard to be with them, and that's about all I did - be present. I visited them numerous times, as when there is a brain death, there is a protocol the hospital has to follow to confirm that it actually is brain death. The protocol includes two exams of the patient in which they test reflexes to a number of things. At our hospital, the rule is that the tests have to be six hours apart, so there is a lot of waiting and down time.

I left the hospital early today to recover from the emotional drain of yesterday. And we started going through our mid-unit evaluations today. We had to write reflection papers on four of the nine outcomes expected of CPE students. Reflection papers range in topics...these were about our history, life story, and theology - how they were formed, and how they influence our ministry. We also had to write about how we receive and give critique. It takes so much energy for me to write papers like this. That is why doing CPE is so draining for me. The personal reflection is good, and I am learning a lot and being challenged in who I am and how I show up in ministry. But it feels like it sucks energy out of me sometimes and makes me wish I could be done and focus on enjoying Chicago. Alas, this is part of the process for ordination in the ELCA, and I still think it is a good and necessary part. I am thankful for the opportunity to experience a ministry that was completely unfamiliar to me prior to this summer.

Some pics for your enjoyment:

Chicago skyline from Shedd Aquarium on July 3rd

July 3rd fireworks, a Chicago tradition