Finding a voice

Hello readers,

I'm finally on the up from being sick last week. I was still sick through the weekend, but on Monday was able to see a few patients, though I wore a mask for their safety. Over the weekend I made it to the Chicago Summer Dance and got to enjoy people watching and listening to some salsa music. Delightful. I continue to enjoy Chicago so much.

This week feels like it has flown by. It hasn't been the best of weeks...I'm struggling with a couple aspects of CPE. It's still been good, but there are definitely frustrations. I don't feel like I can be really open about it on the interweb. Ultimately I know I have learned a lot about myself through this experience, and am continuing to, and that makes it all worth it. I am continuing to challenge myself in seeing patients, and am realizing other issues I have to deal with - regarding things like conflict (big surprise there), anger, perfectionism, among other things.

One thing that has been really eye-opening for me in the last week is to realize that I need and want to work on developing my voice in the sense that I want to grow in feeling comfortable enough to speak up and be heard. I never really thought that was a problem for me, but I've come to see it through being in this group of young men. Being with all these guys (5 of them, all who I love and enjoy) is good practice for me as a young woman who is going into a profession that is still dominated by men. There are definitely clergy women out there, but it is not equal. And I think I struggle with the confidence to be a strong woman in situations with these men. I want to work on that because I want to be a strong woman who isn't afraid to say what needs to be said. I don't want to just blend in with the guys (which is much easier, and sometimes a lot of fun). So I'm trying to figure out what that means for me and how that might look. I'm sure it'll be something to grow into and continue discovering.

This weekend I head to Reedsburg to hang out with my parents. I'm a little disappointed with how little time I've actually been able to spend with them. My CPE program isn't flexible hardly at all, and definitely not as much as I'd like. I think I'm going to be at the hospital every day between now and the end (August 21), less the weekend I head to L.A. for a close college friend's wedding in August, to make up for the couple days I've had to miss. Anyway, I am looking forward to a weekend with my parents and the dog! It sounds like my dad and I will compete in the Lazy Beaver Canoe Race on Saturday morning on the Baraboo River. It's supposed to be rainy I guess, but it will be fun! I haven't paddled in a while. It's kinda fun to be doing these races with my dad. We never did this stuff growing up. I'm glad we're getting the opportunity this summer. I hope the weekend treats you well!

Comedic Survival and Organ Donation (more on Brain Death)

I have been surviving on comedies this summer. All the energy and intensity of CPE leads me to seek refuge in more mindless things where I can laugh, smile, and be touched by entertainment. I finally saw UP (the latest Disney-Pixar film) the other night. It is beautiful. I have to say, all in all I LOVE the Disney-Pixar films. One thing I particularly find heart-warming in UP is the relationship of the old man with the young boy. I wish more older people weren't afraid of the role they can play for young people. (I have to note that I do not know they are afraid, but this was my sense in doing youth ministry.) There is something so beautiful when we connect persons across generations. We all need each other!

I've also been ordering the early Will and Grace episodes through Netflix. I love that show. There is something attractive about escaping into a world where lines are perfectly delivered, and laughter erupts.

After a couple responses, I feel like I want to say more about the brain death on Sunday. That particular situation was painful for me because the patient was so young - only 46. That meant that there were generations on both sides affected by her death. It was tough to be with the patient's mother who seemed couldn't really grasp what was going on. She could see the heart monitor beeping and seemed unable to believe that her baby was dead. She was a very vocal woman, as was the whole family, and she spent much time praying (almost yelling) to God to heal her daughter. Through some of our conversation she talked of the burden she would carry if her daughter left - she felt like she would have to be strong and carry them all through. What a heavy load for one person to bear. I wanted to tell her that she didn't have to do that, that she could grieve, and in fact I think she should, but we are not there to give our opinions. We are there to listen. So that is what I did.

At our hospital, when a patient is brain dead, there is something unique that can happen as a result of the circumstances. Organ donation becomes a possibility. My CPE group just had a person from Gift of Hope, the organ donation organization, come in to tell us about organ donation last week, so when this death happened the information was fresh in my mind. I remembered how infrequently organ donation can even be an option - something like 2% of all deaths. Brain death is one of the unique opportunities for organ donation to be an option because the patient is on a ventilator and blood is still flowing through the body, so in a sense the organs are still functioning even though the brain is not (they are functioning b/c of the machines; they could not function on their own). Out of the 2% of deaths that can be offered organ donation, only something like 25% of those actually donate. This is for various reasons from choice of family to medical complications (like if the organs are not good enough to be donated, for example).

In my brain death experience, as the doctors were doing the final tests to be able to say for sure that the patient was brain dead and pronounce her as such, I had the opportunity to talk with the woman from Gift of Hope who would talk to the family shortly after the pronouncement. Gift of Hope talks to everyone who has the option of organ donation; they don't talk to those who don't, which means there is a little research done ahead of time to see if the patient can be an organ donor. This patient could, as was evident by the woman's presence. Her job is such a tough one and I got to witness why first-hand because I got to be in the room when she talked to them about the possibility of organ donation. I think it is a tough job because they have to talk to the family as soon as possible after death is pronounced so the medical staff can know what to do next. [With brain death this is removing the tubes; the tubes are left in if the patient will be donating organs. With cardiac death this is going into surgery ASAP because the organs are already starting to shut down as soon as death succumbs.] So moments after hearing the pronouncement of the patient's death, the family was in the room with the representative from Gift of Hope, and myself. The representative was very caring in her conversation, and recognized that they were in a place of deep grief. One of the hardest things for me was to realize that the oldest daughter of the patient, a woman not much younger than myself, all of a sudden was expected to make decisions about her mother's body as a result of death. I won't say whether or not they donated, but if you are interested in learning more about organ donation and why I think it is a great thing, you can check out Gift of Hope's website by clicking here. It is not an easy decision, but for me personally it is one that makes sense. I realize not all religions are open to organ donation, though most leave it up to each individual to decide.

A quick health update: still feeling sick, but took a long nap today and am looking forward to sleep tonight. I want to get better so I can go dancing this weekend at Chicago's Summer Dance at Millennium Park!

Books

Of course there's been some reading as part of our CPE experience, and I just wanted to fill you in in case you're looking for some summer reading.

Awareness by Anthony de Mello

The Dance of Anger by Harriet Lerner

The first one we read as a group. It's not my favorite book of all time, but it presents good perspective and challenges the reader for personal growth.

The second I just started today and can already tell I will love it. It's written specifically for women; not sure if it would be helpful for men or not?

I have my first cold of the summer. I don't like being sick and it doesn't happen very often. I won't be seeing patients again until I get better, but I'm still going to the office because we do so much stuff each day as a group - processing verbatims, reflection papers, and didactics (a time for guest speakers on various topics - today we had an Orthodox Jewish Rabbi talk to us about Judaism). Every day usually includes time for doing rounds (seeing patients), and doing all that group stuff. Being sick doesn't make any of this a lot of fun, but we do so much processing and reflection every day that my supervisor thinks it's crucial for us to be there, and I can see her point. This is good work that we're doing. It's tough, but good, and takes a lot of investment in time and energy for me.

Hope you are all well.

My first brain death

My weeks continue to be packed with either being at the hospital or doing everything I can to stay away, relax, and take in Chicago! This summer has been so great; I'm sad to think it's already about half-way over.

Some highlights:

• I love seeing KG every week. She is a dear friend, mentor, and role model for me.
• I got to spend Saturday afternoon with SN, a close college friend. We met downtown and wandered the lakeshore path to Navy Pier. (Side note: for anyone who hasn't experienced it, Navy Pier reminds me of Fisherman's Wharf or the Dells with all it's touristy hustle and bustle. Really it's not something to see. Though I haven't actually walked to the end of it yet, and I hear that's the only real highlight. I am deterred by the crowds that make it hard to even walk down the sidewalk.)
• I have learned how to maneuver the CTA, Chicago's public transportation system. This gives me some sense of knowing I have experienced Chicago - buses, subway, L...it's a pretty great system, though expensive.

I was on-call twice this past week, once on Thursday night, and then again yesterday (a 24-hour) shift. Thursday's was totally quiet...no pages. It was a welcome shift since so many of my on-calls have been rather busy, unlike my CPE peers. Yesterday I went through my first brain death situation. Not an easy thing. For anyone. Brain deaths are especially hard for families to understand b/c the heart is still beating, and it looks as though they are still breathing since they're on a ventilator. The body is still warm, and so it doesn't make sense that there would be no chance of recovery. Brain death is one of two kinds of death that we see at the hospital, and it is the harder of the two for families to accept. Cardiac death is the other, and that's when the heart stops beating. Something about the flatline makes more sense for most of us in how we think of death. In brain death the heart monitor is still beeping b/c the heart is still pumping, but the brain is dead; there is no life and no way to revive them. The family I was with yesterday was struggling b/c it was very unexpected. The patient was rushed to the hospital in the morning because she was complaining of a headache and then passed out. The doctor later told the family the probable cause was a ruptured brain aneurism. The patient really had no chance. And they family wasn't aware of any indicators of poor health, so the whole thing was a surprise. It was hard to be with them, and that's about all I did - be present. I visited them numerous times, as when there is a brain death, there is a protocol the hospital has to follow to confirm that it actually is brain death. The protocol includes two exams of the patient in which they test reflexes to a number of things. At our hospital, the rule is that the tests have to be six hours apart, so there is a lot of waiting and down time.

I left the hospital early today to recover from the emotional drain of yesterday. And we started going through our mid-unit evaluations today. We had to write reflection papers on four of the nine outcomes expected of CPE students. Reflection papers range in topics...these were about our history, life story, and theology - how they were formed, and how they influence our ministry. We also had to write about how we receive and give critique. It takes so much energy for me to write papers like this. That is why doing CPE is so draining for me. The personal reflection is good, and I am learning a lot and being challenged in who I am and how I show up in ministry. But it feels like it sucks energy out of me sometimes and makes me wish I could be done and focus on enjoying Chicago. Alas, this is part of the process for ordination in the ELCA, and I still think it is a good and necessary part. I am thankful for the opportunity to experience a ministry that was completely unfamiliar to me prior to this summer.

Some pics for your enjoyment:

Chicago skyline from Shedd Aquarium on July 3rd

July 3rd fireworks, a Chicago tradition

Catch Up

It's been so long since I last posted. I will attempt to do a little catch up, but it feels like there has been so much happening! Here are some highlights from the last couple weeks (you can click on the pics to enlarge):

I was home for the Reedsburg Butter Festival for the first time since high school. I'm not sure how we got to be the Butter Capital of the World, but that's apparently what we celebrate. As with any real festival, there was so much fried food, cut-off t-shirts, and tractors. A couple pics from the tractor pull (hopefully in the first one you can see the crowd sitting on the bleachers in the background, as well as the trucks, trailers, etc. used to transport the contestants):

My dad joined me for the Run for the Butter - 2 mile Fun Run. I was so proud of him - he hadn't run since probably high school and he ran the whole 2 miles! Don't remember what our time was, but we finished together. Notice the shorts my dad is wearing...go Packers! :)

The main reason for being home in Reedsburg that weekend was the wedding of a close high school friend. Some of the high school crew, 9 years post-graduation:

Over the last couple weeks I've been so social - even getting to see friends from seminary and the Bay Area. It's been wonderful, and keeping me so busy when I'm not at the hospital.

As for CPE, it's going well. I have to say, I've already realized that I do not feel called to hospital chaplaincy. If I could have it my way, I would be done with CPE already and just enjoy the summer and living in Chicago. There is so much to do here! I know CPE is good for me...it continues to be challenging (I still have to make myself knock on doors and talk to people when I'm on rounds). I struggle with the way we are to present ourselves...essentially we are to be as non-religious as possible, so that we can support all who are at the hospital. I support this idea, but it is hard to think that we are the religious leaders, so to speak, in the hospital, and even we are trying not to talk about God. We want the patients to lead our conversations, which I think is good, but if we can't talk about God, or encourage people to, or challenge them to (?), who will? We wear lab coats over business professional attire...no collars for me yet. I wonder what kind of pastoral identity I am developing. It doesn't really feel like pastoral development at this point, but I know the skills I am learning will contribute and challenge me to be a better leader in the church. It is good to be practicing our listening skills all summer...I find myself thankful for the Intro to Pastoral Care class I had last fall and all the listening practice we did.

Well friends, I hope you got to enjoy a long weekend. I surely did! I celebrated by going to the Shedd Aquarium, July 3rd fireworks (a Chicago tradition, I've heard), Wrigley Field for the Cubs vs. Brewers yesterday, and today I'm grilling and hanging outside with some CPE comrades. It has been an incredible summer already. I am loving Chicago...if it didn't get so cold here during the winter, I wouldn't think twice about moving here! It is so good to be near close friends - HS, KG, SN, and LN. And good to be making new ones - TH, SN, BK, ZJ, TG, JN, and BS. Thanks for all your thoughts and prayers - know that I am doing the same for you.