A Friday Night in November

Hi friends,

Well it's Friday night. We are definitely close to the end of the semester, as I have joined the other students here at Peoples (Berkeley coffee shop) tonight for a good study atmosphere away from home. There's just under 3 weeks worth of class left...and am I feeling it. I have three papers to write this weekend, all which should have been turned in earlier of course... Thankfully I have great professors who understand that sometimes life or class gets in the way and they can grace us enough to turn things in when they're done instead of by the deadline. Unfortunately that can be the worst news ever for me in writing papers...I'm so much better with a hard deadline b/c I work well under pressure! So nonetheless, here I am trying to meet my own deadline, procrastinating (obviously), and wishing that somehow these papers would write themselves. I enjoy the writing process, but it is a lengthy one for me, thus quite dreaded indeed. At least I have some good tunes to keep me company...EC gave me the new John Mayer, Battle Studies, this week. It's pretty great. I recommend it if you like some heart-felt lyrics, driven melodies, lots of musical layers, and some tasty blues every once in a while.

I'm heading back to the Midwest for Thanksgiving! Getting pretty excited. 5 days, I think? I'm trying not to count on account of all that work that needs to get done before leaving... I'll fly into MSP where TH will pick me up and we'll make the 3.5 hour trek to my parents' house for a long weekend. Eventually the group will include my grandparents, aunt and uncle, cousins, brother, parents, maybe a sister and another uncle. I'm under the impression that there will be no snow. So unlike the Thanksgivings past. I'm excited nonetheless - excited to see family and friends (maybe even KS and her husband!), and the family dog, of course. I'm even looking forward to those legendary conversations that come up only at family gatherings of this kind. Watching the Packers, eating turkey and all the fixin's, the cool Midwest air that smells of winter approaching, fires in the fireplace... Should be a great holiday. I love Thanksgiving. I hope yours is full of what you need this year...and may we all recognize and be thankful for the many gifts in our lives.

Endorsement, Horizon, and Fall Break

It's about time I update you on all the latest happenings, including my Endorsement Interview! I had my interview on Oct. 13 and was Recommended for Endorsement! It is not an official Endorsement yet, as the whole Candidacy Committee needs to vote on the recommendation. I'm guessing I'll hear in the next couple weeks what the outcome is. The interview went well...and my committee was very supportive.

The Sassy Ladies trip in Austin was great. One of my highlights was going two stepping at the Broken Spoke, just outside Austin. What a great place! Looked like a 'hole in the wall' but turned out to be THE place to be on a Thursday night.

I still struggle with this system, of course, and now it shows up more in my experience of the way Internship is setup. There isn't one general pool of internship sites for all ELCA seminarians...congregations interested in having an intern need to apply to the seminary that they want an intern from, and those are the congregations that we end up at as interns. Seems to me like there should be an ELCA-wide system that supports all seminaries instead of making congregations choose one or another.

There's another internship track in addition to the 'regular' one I describe above - Horizon. It can be expensive to have an intern because the congregation is expected to pay for housing, health insurance, and a small stipend. Congregations that can't afford to pay for all of that can apply to be a Horizon Internship site and they will then be expected to pay only a third of the cost, the other two-thirds being provided by the seminary and the synod....I think...don't quote me as a source on these details! However it happens, Horizon is a different track for Internship. Students need to apply for a Horizon site if they are interested. It is a longer application process than the 'regular' internship track - more essays, etc. If a student is accepted into Horizon, they are then assigned a site and need to decide whether or not they still want to go. If so, that is their site. If not, they fall into the 'regular' internship track and get matched up with a congregation that way.

All this is to say that I applied to the Horizon Internship program. I don't think we hear about it until January, so I need to apply to be in the 'regular' track as well. I'll let you know how it goes. Horizon sites are all across the country, both urban and rural. I requested to be at an urban site. We'll see how it goes!

Classes are good...it's a little crazy around here. We had fall break recently (the last week of October) and it seems like for the rest of the semester we will continue to feel overwhelmed with all this work - especially paper writing.

Fall break was great! TH came for a visit the first weekend...so wonderful. TM came from Colorado for the rest of the week. It was so good to see her! She did some of her own sightseeing of San Fran while I did some work, and then we went to wine country together for some views at Cline and Paradise Ridge wineries. We stayed with KD and JW, and enjoyed some live music and cards at a coffee shop that night. The next morning we stopped by Muir Woods and Muir Beach on the way back to Berkeley. So beautiful. Those redwoods are breathtaking.

That's it for this morning. It's time for me to get ready for church. I hope you are enjoying the fall...the chill is starting to set in around here.

Challenges outside of class and Critique of the ELCA seminary system

Outside of class I am challenged with personal growth issues that I first grew aware of in CPE (like finding a voice and learning to have confidence in the gifts God has given me, one of those being a leader - I find that using my gifts for leadership is especially challenging among my peers). I am challenged (and blessed) with living in a small community once again. I am challenged in caring deeply for someone 2,000 miles away and in looking toward an unknown future with him.

(There are a number of challenges our seminary system presents for single people, and married people, in the way it is setup...I believe all the parts are important (academic study, CPE, internship, a short cross-cultural experience, Teaching Parish), but it seems like there must be a better way...one more conducive to today’s person with financial challenges.

[Side note: did you know Lutheran seminary used to be free once upon a time? It was that way for my grandfather when he was in seminary so many years ago. Today we pay almost as much as a private school education, with tuition, room, board, insurance, and all the necessities. It’s ridiculous. There is help out there, but even the help isn’t across the board for everyone, nor is it very helpful for some. I am so frustrated with the scholarship philosophy currently, which favors students at some seminaries over others by having each school raise it’s own money for scholarships, instead of having a general pool of scholarship money for all eight ELCA seminaries. To me this system says that we care about students at some schools more than others. This is not consistent with our theology! I am so thankful to have gifts from family, friends, congregations, and PLTS to be able to be here.]

To explain why I think the seminary process isn’t so user friendly: “traditionally” it is expected that students complete four years of seminary - either at an ELCA sem. or at any school of your choice, but the latter requires a year of study at the former to be ordained in the ELCA, a requirement that seems very fitting. The third of those four years is for internship, unless the student has a legitimate reason for requesting a fourth-year internship (which sometimes then still requires a semester at sem. after, before being up for a congregational call). This means that for the first two years and the last year, a “traditional” seminary student can expect to be in one place (for me, Berkeley), unless the student decides to transfer for whatever reason. The third year is spent somewhere other than that one place, unless one restricts (which you also have to have reason to do...like your spouse works where you need to be, etc. Just wanting to stay in one place is not acceptable.) Let me say that I am not against moving or doing ministry in different contexts, especially different locational contexts around the country. The challenge for me, a single young person who is interested in finding someone to spend my life with, is that if I were to find someone that I was interested in at least exploring a future with someone, it is almost impossible that we could be in the same place for two or three years, thereby struggling to explore that future from a distance, which I have to admit is very hard to do. [For married or engaged people, there is a similar challenge that I won’t go into for the sake of this blog getting terribly long.] I am not saying any of this is impossible, but you’d think that we could work to make the system a little more “user” friendly. Some of my criticisms of this process...)

I am trying to take the current challenges (remember? I mentioned them so long ago at the beginning of this post.) head on, wrestling with them, and actively seeking to grow from them. I started going to therapy last week, and I am very excited about the potential gained from such experiences. I have already been exposed to so many opportunities to work on my personal growth, and it seems like therapy will be another step of intentionality about facing my challenges.

The Class (and Book) List

I am very excited for this trip (Sassy Ladies). And it is a welcome excitement, for this school year has seemed really hard for me. Academically, things are great - I love my classes, and I even love what we’re reading and the things we’re being challenged to do! Though it’s a lot to keep up with, as usual, I am having so much fun. The rundown of classes, assigned textbooks and other reading:

Preaching - Preaching by Fred Craddock; The Homiletical Plot by Eugene Lowry

Systematic Theology - God - The World's Future by Ted Peters; various readings by a number of great theologians like Martin Luther, Karl Barth, Jurgen Moltmann, Dietrich Bonhoeffer, Catherine Mowry LaCugna, Karl Rahner, and Paul Tillich

Worship Prep - Preparing for Liturgy by Austin Fleming

Ministry Across Cultures (pre-req. for doing my Cross-Cultural Experience in January) - A Different Mirror: A History of Multicultural America by Ronald Takaki; The Wolf Shall Dwell with The Lamb by Eric Law; Injustice and the Care of Souls: Taking Oppression Seriously in Pastoral Care by Sheryl Kujuway-Holbrook and Karen Montagno; A Theology of Liberation by Gustavo Gutierrez

[Lutheran] Confessions - The Book of Concord: The Confessions of the Evangelical Lutheran Church ed. Robert Kolb and Timothy Wengert; Fortress Introduction to the Lutheran Confessions by Guenther Gassman and Scott Hendrix; The Augsburg Confession: A Commentary by Leif Grane; Lutheranism: The Theological Movement and Its Confessional Writings by Eric Gritsch and Robert Jenson

Sassy Ladies in Austin

The time has come for the annual Sassy Ladies trip! I’m finally in Austin with the Sauey family ladies. There are 10 of us this year. My mom and I got to be the planners this year, so I’m pretty excited to show the girls around the city. Our itinerary includes things like the Austin Duck Adventures (which is totally perfect for our group!), touring the state capital, shopping on South Congress, and the Austin Bats under the South Congress bridge. I really enjoy getting to do this trip each year. I love getting to know my aunts and grandma better, and spending time with my mom and sis. Being in a group of ladies that are all related is a special, exciting, and meaningful experience. Last year I realized that we could be more intentional about learning from one another and sharing our life experiences, so one night I asked the group how they knew they wanted to marry the person they married, or what attracted them to him, etc. I really enjoyed the sharing that followed - it was a level of intimacy I hadn’t experienced with them. This year my mom and I have been intentional about including a time for that intimate conversation, and we’ve been trying to come up with questions to ask. My mom invested in a package of “girl talk” cards for some ideas. We haven’t decided on the question yet, but I am already looking forward to the conversation. One question I have been tossing around from conversations with my mom and sister is about giving up/changing/modifying last names for marriage. As women, I think this could be insightful and valuable for us. We’ll see what happens.

Back in Berkeley

Alas, here I am once again, blogging to you, my faithful or not-so-faithful readers. Welcome to the next step in my journey as an ELCA seminarian.

A few unrelated thoughts first:

• It seems that ever since my apartment was burglarized, I have been less in touch with the electronic world via the interweb. I would love to be more regular about blogging and keeping in touch with people through such wonderful inventions as Facebook. First the struggle was living without a personal computer. I realize this is such a sign of my being a resident of the "first-world". From what I have heard, most of the world survive without personal computers, and yet as a resident of this, the United States, I find myself unable to function at some level without my computer. It reminds me of those times when my cell phone doesn't work and I ask, how did the world function without cell phones? Granted I was even alive when we lived without computers or cell phones, and yet the inventions have been so novel and so helpful that I can't even remember what it was like to hope that someone would pick me up at the airport when my flight came in late or other similar situations for which the cell phone has been so helpful.

• The second and latest struggle in my lessened ability to keep updated and updating is the beginning of another school year in which I have been working most to find the balance of full-time student life again. It takes a while to get back in the swing of things, though I can tell the process didn't take so long this fall as it did last year, when I was a new student after a 4-year hiatus.

Now here I am, finished with both my first year of seminary and CPE, beginning my second year of academic study. Sometimes I am overwhelmed with this process and the way it seems my life is planned out for the next few years. One would think this is a comfort. In fact, while life is planned for me, it is still largely unknown. As it is right now, I will be a seminarian for another 3 years (including the one I am just beginning). This year I continue to reside at PLTS, aside from my Cross-Cultural Experience in January, for which I am hoping to go abroad somewhere. Next year I will be on internship at a destination yet to be determined.

[I think internship is the piece that makes this journey uncomfortable. It makes seminary not like college, when I knew I would be at St. Olaf for four years. It's like this big question mark thrown into the mix, and it makes me feel unsettled. That could be a good thing...for I do believe (and experienced first-hand in CPE this summer) that it is when we get out of our comfort zones and when our ego is out of the way that the Spirit is able to work and have the greatest impact. Good thing aside, life feels uncertain and planned for me at the same time.]

The year after internship I return to PLTS for my fourth year and final year of study. It is after that time that I will go through Approval with my Candidacy Committee, and if they feel like I am a good candidate for ministry they will approve me and I will then move into the draft of new grads looking for a First Call. It is once I am so called to my first congregation that I can then be ordained. Ordination in the ELCA cannot happen until the First Call is initiated.

In a couple weeks I am up for the second of three steps in the Candidacy process (of which I mentioned Approval is the third and last, and Entrance is the first) - Endorsement. Endorsement is when I need to decide which track I am pursuing - ordination (pastor), consecration (diaconal minister or deaconess), or commissioned (Associates In Ministry or AIM). I am pursuing ordination. In addition to choosing a track to which one feels called, one then needs to write the Endorsement Essay, where one reflects on her call to ministry and tells her story since Entrance (traditionally coincides with the beginning of academic study at a seminary). The Endorsement Essay asks theological questions about the creeds, scripture, and other historical documents of which the candidate needs to disclose her thoughts. It also asks the candidate to reflect on the ELCA's Constitution and By-laws, as well as Vision and Expectations (written for all rostered peoples of the ELCA).

I have tossed around the idea of posting my Endorsement Essay here for you all to read. In the end I decided not to do that for a number of different reasons, one being that I didn't feel like I got to say all I wanted to say in the amount of space allotted. If you happen to be really curious and ask nicely, I may be inclined to email you a copy...

The final part of Endorsement is the Endorsement Interview, at which I sit before a couple representatives of my Candidacy Committee and my academic advisor at PLTS. From what I know they will ask me questions from their reading of my Essay, as well as anything else they feel they need to know in order to decide if they feel I should be Endorsed. My interview is on October 13 at 8am. I would appreciate any thoughts or prayers during that time, as the interview is an important and albeit a little scary part of the process. The Committee then decides if I should be Endorsed, Postponed, or Denied to continue as a candidate for ministry in the ELCA. I will definitely keep you updated as things progress.

I would like to blog about my classes this semester and other more personal things, but for now this post is long enough. More on those things another day. Grace and peace to you!

The End of CPE and The Beginning of the Next Transition

It has been over a month since my last entry. I finished CPE on Friday and am now celebrating by spending a couple days with my sister in her new homestate of Florida. It has been so good to be with her again and get some small taste for her new life down here. Today (now technically yesterday) we spent the afternoon soaking up rays at Mexico Beach (on the panhandle...she lives in Panama City), and tomorrow we'll do the same at Panama City Beach. I'll head back up to Chicago on Wednesday night, pack up my apartment, and head to my parents house on Saturday. On Sunday I'll begin the drive back to the west coast. Right now the plan is to drive through Denver, stay a couple days, and make it out to Berkeley by September 5. Unfortunately I won't have much time to spend in Denver...I miss being there so much. I can't wait to get back, even for such a short visit. I'm going to miss DPR and APR, who will be out of town. I'm so sad. But I'm hoping to see EC, BS, TM, and CK at least.

I have loved living in Chicago this summer. It is such a fun city in the summertime. I've been able to spend time with such great people - I am going to miss that the most. I loved going out with TH, ZJ, and KJ. I cherished dinners with KG, JG, and MG. I will miss getting together with HS, BK, SN, and LN. I'll even miss living with SN - she has been a great roommate and a lot of fun to get to know. I'll also miss what Chicago has to offer - a beautiful skyline, Summer Dance in Grant Park, great museums, the lakefront, great food (I finally got to have curry last week and it was amazing!), user-friendly public transportation. I won't miss being on-call, sleeping (or not) at the hospital, writing intense self-reflective papers, and working M-F 8:30-4:30.

The end of CPE was bittersweet. I actually am glad I went through the process and let myself really engage with it and dig deep into my stuff. I can't say it was always fun, or that I would do it again (at least anytime soon), but I am thankful. Something important I have been learning these last couple weeks is about the way I am in the world. I was told at a friend's wedding that I am a private person. I never thought of myself as such, but have come to realize why I could/am perceived that way. I want to work on being more open and sharing myself with the world. I want to work on overcoming my fear and feeling of being unimportant so that I can be myself and have other people join me on my journey, instead of trying to do it all myself. I know this won't be an easy thing to learn, as I think our society encourages us to try to live life on our own without a community walking with us, but right now I am up for the challenge. I am also still working on having a voice. I want and need to stay conscious of both of these things as I head back to seminary.

I want to give you a little life update on the last month. The reason for my lack of blogging is that my apartment was burglarized almost a month ago. The intruder broke in/out through my bedroom window and stole mine and my roommate's laptops, as well as my digital camera and jewelry. It was a very traumatic experience, and I still find myself on edge about having windows shut and locked, for fear of someone breaking in. Thankfully neither my roommate nor I were present when the intruder broke in. I was the one who came home from work to find my room violated and our stuff gone. What a terrible experience. I don't wish it on anyone. And at the same time I know that things like this happen often - way more often than I even consider. It's terrible, and it happens, and it's not like I can do much to make it any different. Granted I could have been shutting and locking my windows all summer, but I have now learned my lesson. Things are much better now. I've been working with insurance (thankfully I had renter's - I recommend having it if you rent - it's cheap and worth it) - it's been frustrating b/c they're not going to give me enough to replace everything at the value I bought it all at, but at least they're giving me something. I'm typing this from my new MacBook Pro. I haven't replaced the camera or any jewelry yet. Eventually.

I think almost all of my dating friends have gotten engaged in the last month. It is absolutely ridiculous. As of today the list includes VT and DC, my brother and EJ, KD and JW, HS and BK, and KG and FK. That is so many weddings for next year. Don't get me wrong - I am excited for them all, but 5 engagements in one month...!

Two weekends ago I got to fly to L.A. and witness the marriage of my good friend EJ and his new wife CJ. They are such great people and I am so excited for them. EJ is a good friend from college, so it was a little Olaf reunion. Good times. It was so good to see "everyone", even if it was such a quick weekend and I feel like catching up just wasn't quite possible with each one.

That brings me to the end of CPE and now Florida. Soon to be Chicago to Wisconsin, to Denver, to Berkeley. I can't wait to get back to the Bay Area. I miss the seminary community and I am so excited to move in with KD! It's going to be a great year. Right now I'm trying to stay present in this transition, consciously saying my goodbyes, and hellos and goodbyes, and hellos again. Thanks for staying with me this summer if you made it this far. It was an important part of my journey, and just another season of growth. haha :) I'm not sure yet if I'll keep the blog going...my gut tells me I will so you can continue to follow me throughout my seminary experience, but we shall see. Until we meet again.

Finding a voice

Hello readers,

I'm finally on the up from being sick last week. I was still sick through the weekend, but on Monday was able to see a few patients, though I wore a mask for their safety. Over the weekend I made it to the Chicago Summer Dance and got to enjoy people watching and listening to some salsa music. Delightful. I continue to enjoy Chicago so much.

This week feels like it has flown by. It hasn't been the best of weeks...I'm struggling with a couple aspects of CPE. It's still been good, but there are definitely frustrations. I don't feel like I can be really open about it on the interweb. Ultimately I know I have learned a lot about myself through this experience, and am continuing to, and that makes it all worth it. I am continuing to challenge myself in seeing patients, and am realizing other issues I have to deal with - regarding things like conflict (big surprise there), anger, perfectionism, among other things.

One thing that has been really eye-opening for me in the last week is to realize that I need and want to work on developing my voice in the sense that I want to grow in feeling comfortable enough to speak up and be heard. I never really thought that was a problem for me, but I've come to see it through being in this group of young men. Being with all these guys (5 of them, all who I love and enjoy) is good practice for me as a young woman who is going into a profession that is still dominated by men. There are definitely clergy women out there, but it is not equal. And I think I struggle with the confidence to be a strong woman in situations with these men. I want to work on that because I want to be a strong woman who isn't afraid to say what needs to be said. I don't want to just blend in with the guys (which is much easier, and sometimes a lot of fun). So I'm trying to figure out what that means for me and how that might look. I'm sure it'll be something to grow into and continue discovering.

This weekend I head to Reedsburg to hang out with my parents. I'm a little disappointed with how little time I've actually been able to spend with them. My CPE program isn't flexible hardly at all, and definitely not as much as I'd like. I think I'm going to be at the hospital every day between now and the end (August 21), less the weekend I head to L.A. for a close college friend's wedding in August, to make up for the couple days I've had to miss. Anyway, I am looking forward to a weekend with my parents and the dog! It sounds like my dad and I will compete in the Lazy Beaver Canoe Race on Saturday morning on the Baraboo River. It's supposed to be rainy I guess, but it will be fun! I haven't paddled in a while. It's kinda fun to be doing these races with my dad. We never did this stuff growing up. I'm glad we're getting the opportunity this summer. I hope the weekend treats you well!

Comedic Survival and Organ Donation (more on Brain Death)

I have been surviving on comedies this summer. All the energy and intensity of CPE leads me to seek refuge in more mindless things where I can laugh, smile, and be touched by entertainment. I finally saw UP (the latest Disney-Pixar film) the other night. It is beautiful. I have to say, all in all I LOVE the Disney-Pixar films. One thing I particularly find heart-warming in UP is the relationship of the old man with the young boy. I wish more older people weren't afraid of the role they can play for young people. (I have to note that I do not know they are afraid, but this was my sense in doing youth ministry.) There is something so beautiful when we connect persons across generations. We all need each other!

I've also been ordering the early Will and Grace episodes through Netflix. I love that show. There is something attractive about escaping into a world where lines are perfectly delivered, and laughter erupts.

After a couple responses, I feel like I want to say more about the brain death on Sunday. That particular situation was painful for me because the patient was so young - only 46. That meant that there were generations on both sides affected by her death. It was tough to be with the patient's mother who seemed couldn't really grasp what was going on. She could see the heart monitor beeping and seemed unable to believe that her baby was dead. She was a very vocal woman, as was the whole family, and she spent much time praying (almost yelling) to God to heal her daughter. Through some of our conversation she talked of the burden she would carry if her daughter left - she felt like she would have to be strong and carry them all through. What a heavy load for one person to bear. I wanted to tell her that she didn't have to do that, that she could grieve, and in fact I think she should, but we are not there to give our opinions. We are there to listen. So that is what I did.

At our hospital, when a patient is brain dead, there is something unique that can happen as a result of the circumstances. Organ donation becomes a possibility. My CPE group just had a person from Gift of Hope, the organ donation organization, come in to tell us about organ donation last week, so when this death happened the information was fresh in my mind. I remembered how infrequently organ donation can even be an option - something like 2% of all deaths. Brain death is one of the unique opportunities for organ donation to be an option because the patient is on a ventilator and blood is still flowing through the body, so in a sense the organs are still functioning even though the brain is not (they are functioning b/c of the machines; they could not function on their own). Out of the 2% of deaths that can be offered organ donation, only something like 25% of those actually donate. This is for various reasons from choice of family to medical complications (like if the organs are not good enough to be donated, for example).

In my brain death experience, as the doctors were doing the final tests to be able to say for sure that the patient was brain dead and pronounce her as such, I had the opportunity to talk with the woman from Gift of Hope who would talk to the family shortly after the pronouncement. Gift of Hope talks to everyone who has the option of organ donation; they don't talk to those who don't, which means there is a little research done ahead of time to see if the patient can be an organ donor. This patient could, as was evident by the woman's presence. Her job is such a tough one and I got to witness why first-hand because I got to be in the room when she talked to them about the possibility of organ donation. I think it is a tough job because they have to talk to the family as soon as possible after death is pronounced so the medical staff can know what to do next. [With brain death this is removing the tubes; the tubes are left in if the patient will be donating organs. With cardiac death this is going into surgery ASAP because the organs are already starting to shut down as soon as death succumbs.] So moments after hearing the pronouncement of the patient's death, the family was in the room with the representative from Gift of Hope, and myself. The representative was very caring in her conversation, and recognized that they were in a place of deep grief. One of the hardest things for me was to realize that the oldest daughter of the patient, a woman not much younger than myself, all of a sudden was expected to make decisions about her mother's body as a result of death. I won't say whether or not they donated, but if you are interested in learning more about organ donation and why I think it is a great thing, you can check out Gift of Hope's website by clicking here. It is not an easy decision, but for me personally it is one that makes sense. I realize not all religions are open to organ donation, though most leave it up to each individual to decide.

A quick health update: still feeling sick, but took a long nap today and am looking forward to sleep tonight. I want to get better so I can go dancing this weekend at Chicago's Summer Dance at Millennium Park!

Books

Of course there's been some reading as part of our CPE experience, and I just wanted to fill you in in case you're looking for some summer reading.

Awareness by Anthony de Mello

The Dance of Anger by Harriet Lerner

The first one we read as a group. It's not my favorite book of all time, but it presents good perspective and challenges the reader for personal growth.

The second I just started today and can already tell I will love it. It's written specifically for women; not sure if it would be helpful for men or not?

I have my first cold of the summer. I don't like being sick and it doesn't happen very often. I won't be seeing patients again until I get better, but I'm still going to the office because we do so much stuff each day as a group - processing verbatims, reflection papers, and didactics (a time for guest speakers on various topics - today we had an Orthodox Jewish Rabbi talk to us about Judaism). Every day usually includes time for doing rounds (seeing patients), and doing all that group stuff. Being sick doesn't make any of this a lot of fun, but we do so much processing and reflection every day that my supervisor thinks it's crucial for us to be there, and I can see her point. This is good work that we're doing. It's tough, but good, and takes a lot of investment in time and energy for me.

Hope you are all well.

My first brain death

My weeks continue to be packed with either being at the hospital or doing everything I can to stay away, relax, and take in Chicago! This summer has been so great; I'm sad to think it's already about half-way over.

Some highlights:

• I love seeing KG every week. She is a dear friend, mentor, and role model for me.
• I got to spend Saturday afternoon with SN, a close college friend. We met downtown and wandered the lakeshore path to Navy Pier. (Side note: for anyone who hasn't experienced it, Navy Pier reminds me of Fisherman's Wharf or the Dells with all it's touristy hustle and bustle. Really it's not something to see. Though I haven't actually walked to the end of it yet, and I hear that's the only real highlight. I am deterred by the crowds that make it hard to even walk down the sidewalk.)
• I have learned how to maneuver the CTA, Chicago's public transportation system. This gives me some sense of knowing I have experienced Chicago - buses, subway, L...it's a pretty great system, though expensive.

I was on-call twice this past week, once on Thursday night, and then again yesterday (a 24-hour) shift. Thursday's was totally quiet...no pages. It was a welcome shift since so many of my on-calls have been rather busy, unlike my CPE peers. Yesterday I went through my first brain death situation. Not an easy thing. For anyone. Brain deaths are especially hard for families to understand b/c the heart is still beating, and it looks as though they are still breathing since they're on a ventilator. The body is still warm, and so it doesn't make sense that there would be no chance of recovery. Brain death is one of two kinds of death that we see at the hospital, and it is the harder of the two for families to accept. Cardiac death is the other, and that's when the heart stops beating. Something about the flatline makes more sense for most of us in how we think of death. In brain death the heart monitor is still beeping b/c the heart is still pumping, but the brain is dead; there is no life and no way to revive them. The family I was with yesterday was struggling b/c it was very unexpected. The patient was rushed to the hospital in the morning because she was complaining of a headache and then passed out. The doctor later told the family the probable cause was a ruptured brain aneurism. The patient really had no chance. And they family wasn't aware of any indicators of poor health, so the whole thing was a surprise. It was hard to be with them, and that's about all I did - be present. I visited them numerous times, as when there is a brain death, there is a protocol the hospital has to follow to confirm that it actually is brain death. The protocol includes two exams of the patient in which they test reflexes to a number of things. At our hospital, the rule is that the tests have to be six hours apart, so there is a lot of waiting and down time.

I left the hospital early today to recover from the emotional drain of yesterday. And we started going through our mid-unit evaluations today. We had to write reflection papers on four of the nine outcomes expected of CPE students. Reflection papers range in topics...these were about our history, life story, and theology - how they were formed, and how they influence our ministry. We also had to write about how we receive and give critique. It takes so much energy for me to write papers like this. That is why doing CPE is so draining for me. The personal reflection is good, and I am learning a lot and being challenged in who I am and how I show up in ministry. But it feels like it sucks energy out of me sometimes and makes me wish I could be done and focus on enjoying Chicago. Alas, this is part of the process for ordination in the ELCA, and I still think it is a good and necessary part. I am thankful for the opportunity to experience a ministry that was completely unfamiliar to me prior to this summer.

Some pics for your enjoyment:

Chicago skyline from Shedd Aquarium on July 3rd

July 3rd fireworks, a Chicago tradition

Catch Up

It's been so long since I last posted. I will attempt to do a little catch up, but it feels like there has been so much happening! Here are some highlights from the last couple weeks (you can click on the pics to enlarge):

I was home for the Reedsburg Butter Festival for the first time since high school. I'm not sure how we got to be the Butter Capital of the World, but that's apparently what we celebrate. As with any real festival, there was so much fried food, cut-off t-shirts, and tractors. A couple pics from the tractor pull (hopefully in the first one you can see the crowd sitting on the bleachers in the background, as well as the trucks, trailers, etc. used to transport the contestants):

My dad joined me for the Run for the Butter - 2 mile Fun Run. I was so proud of him - he hadn't run since probably high school and he ran the whole 2 miles! Don't remember what our time was, but we finished together. Notice the shorts my dad is wearing...go Packers! :)

The main reason for being home in Reedsburg that weekend was the wedding of a close high school friend. Some of the high school crew, 9 years post-graduation:

Over the last couple weeks I've been so social - even getting to see friends from seminary and the Bay Area. It's been wonderful, and keeping me so busy when I'm not at the hospital.

As for CPE, it's going well. I have to say, I've already realized that I do not feel called to hospital chaplaincy. If I could have it my way, I would be done with CPE already and just enjoy the summer and living in Chicago. There is so much to do here! I know CPE is good for me...it continues to be challenging (I still have to make myself knock on doors and talk to people when I'm on rounds). I struggle with the way we are to present ourselves...essentially we are to be as non-religious as possible, so that we can support all who are at the hospital. I support this idea, but it is hard to think that we are the religious leaders, so to speak, in the hospital, and even we are trying not to talk about God. We want the patients to lead our conversations, which I think is good, but if we can't talk about God, or encourage people to, or challenge them to (?), who will? We wear lab coats over business professional attire...no collars for me yet. I wonder what kind of pastoral identity I am developing. It doesn't really feel like pastoral development at this point, but I know the skills I am learning will contribute and challenge me to be a better leader in the church. It is good to be practicing our listening skills all summer...I find myself thankful for the Intro to Pastoral Care class I had last fall and all the listening practice we did.

Well friends, I hope you got to enjoy a long weekend. I surely did! I celebrated by going to the Shedd Aquarium, July 3rd fireworks (a Chicago tradition, I've heard), Wrigley Field for the Cubs vs. Brewers yesterday, and today I'm grilling and hanging outside with some CPE comrades. It has been an incredible summer already. I am loving Chicago...if it didn't get so cold here during the winter, I wouldn't think twice about moving here! It is so good to be near close friends - HS, KG, SN, and LN. And good to be making new ones - TH, SN, BK, ZJ, TG, JN, and BS. Thanks for all your thoughts and prayers - know that I am doing the same for you.

Personality tests and Verbatims

I'm back in Reedsburg for KS's wedding.  I got to take today off, which I have to say is a great thing.  It's a challenge for me to be required to work six days a week.  I am not one who lives to be in the office.  It's just not how I'm wired.  

I'm scrapping the attempt at organization from the last blog...though I'm still trying to figure out my style.  There are other blogs that I keep up on and at some point it seems that the blogger wants to know who's reading.  I typically wouldn't respond to such a request, and didn't really know why they wanted to know so badly until I started my own.  I'm not asking you to respond, but I do get the whole 'I wonder who's reading my blog' thing.  

Another piece of business about the blog that you'll see in the next paragraph - I just figured out that I can insert links to help you learn more about some things that I talk about.  You can see that some of the words are green and bold below.  You can click on those words and be taken to a site that I linked for your convenience to help explain that topic.  The links I'm using right now are from Wikipedia (an online encyclopedia), and while I don't agree or ascribe to everything in the link, it is at least helpful if you need more information on the topic.

I told you in my last blog that in Group we had to share our stories.  We will be doing a lot of learning and conversation about numerous things over the summer.  We did some personality tests this week - the Enneagram (my favorite!), Myers-Briggs, and Keirsey Temperament.  The MB and KT are related somehow.  I have to say I am not a fan of that system.  It might have to do with testing different on the MB every time I take it (3 and counting), and my MB type not fitting under what Temperament I think I am.  It is not very helpful.  This time I tested ISXX (which, for those of you that know the MB means that I tested equal for T/F and P/J).  I most identify with the Idealist Temperament.  On the Enneagram I am a 9 (the best type, as DPR would say :)).  I love talking about the Enneagram, so if you ever want to know more, ask!

Another new component we added to Group this week was Verbatims.  We are all required to do eight verbatims.  A quick explanation from what I know: a verbatim is a reflection on one specific encounter with a patient.  We are to type up the whole conversation, line by line, and include our own reflections on how we did, why we said this or that, or what our reactions were.  We then bring our verbatim to the Group where everyone reads it - other group members even read your conversation line by line so you can hear how it sounds.  Then we have conversation about it as a group, offering constructive criticism, encouragement, affirmation, etc.  The purpose is for self-growth of course (that's pretty much what this whole program is about), so it's about being challenged to learn about my responses to the world and why I respond that way.  

I drove through the worst storm in my life last night from Chicago to Reedsburg.  I was seriously wondering when I would be swept off the road in a tornado.  I envisioned living the movie Twister.  I am thankful to be at home, spending time with my parents and playing with Abby (the family dog).  Butter Fest is tonight and tomorrow (for me, really it is a week-long affair) - I'm excited for the tractor pull and demolition derby!, and KS's wedding tomorrow.  

Units, Stories, and Running

[I think I'm going to try and split my blogs into two sections: CPE and Homelife.  Don't know if I'll like the format yet, or if it's necessary, but I'm trying it this time.]

CPE

It's week 2, and things are still going well.  The rest of that first on-call shift was pretty slow...I had a page at 2am, and so responded, but there ended up not being much to do, so I hung around for a while, and then went back to bed (we sleep in the Pastoral Care office, adjacent to the hospital, when on-call).  

Getting to meet with patients more continues to be valuable.  Each time I become more comfortable, and yet it is still challenging.  I never know what will happen when I knock on the door to check in while making rounds, or while following up on a request.  (People are asked when they arrive to the hospital if they would like a chaplain to visit them.  If they say yes, it gets put in the computer system and somehow we get the fax request and follow up with them.)

I haven't told you what units I am assigned to yet - for the summer during the week I'll be doing rounds on the Pediatrics, Pediatric-ICU (Intensive Care Unit) or PIC-U, and the MIC-U (Medical Intensive Care Unit) Stepdown (meaning the patients are getting better, and probably going home soon - they don't need as much care as in the ICU).  I've been doing rounds on these floors since Friday (i.e. for three days, since on weekends we don't make rounds).  When I say I'm doing rounds, it means I'm just walking around the floor, checking in with patients to see how they are, and if I can be helpful to them at all.  If they happen to engage in conversation somehow, I can pray with them, listen to them, read scripture, or whatever they need.  I have been doing a bit of everything.  Mostly praying - people are very thankful to be prayed for, it seems, but not all want to get into much conversation.  Some do, and I enjoy that.  I am realizing what a unique role chaplains have because we usually see people for such a short period of time (I heard the average hospital stay nowadays is 7-9 days).  Because of that it can be easier to ask the tough questions more up front and give people the opportunity to talk about their experiences and their suffering.  We don't have to worry about building a great relationship, because once they leave it's over.  Hospital chaplains have a very unique ministry field.

Our whole group (7 of us + the supervisor) meets every morning for Morning Prayer.  We each take turns leading it.  Then we usually have something to do together in the mornings.  We break for lunch, come back to finish whatever we were doing, and then head out to the Units for rounds.  In group over the last two days we all got to tell our Story. Our life story, our call story, whatever we felt was important in shaping us to be who we are.  It was helpful for me to think about this question when preparing: how does your story affect your ministry?  We were to find the theological themes in our lives - how are things related, what themes have been recurring, etc.  I have done the story-telling thing so many times that I don't really prepare much anymore, but I find myself remembering different things each time.  This time I tried to wonder about how I function in ministry - what drives me - and where that came from.  I decided that there is a theme of compassion in who I am.  Ever since I was young I have felt compassion for people, feeling their pain (and wanting it to go away maybe?).  I have a sensitivity for sensing when other people hurt or feeling left out, etc., and I find my heart breaking and wanting to reach out to them.  I have to root for the underdog.  I want to let those who aren't heard be heard, and defend those who need to be defended.  Obviously, I don't always do this, as it is challenging to do every time, but the sense of compassion is always there, trying to call me out of my fear.

Homelife

As for life outside of CPE, I am still staying really busy.  Sunday after getting off I joined a close college friend, HS (initials - a practice I appreciate from KS's blog), for worship at SLLC in Logan Square, then lunch at the Farmers' Market there.  When I got back I got a call from TH, a CPE colleague, who wanted to head to the lake, so we spent the afternoon by the waters of Lake Michigan with the thousands of other people at Lincoln Park.  We grabbed dinner and saw The Hangover that night (hilarious movie, but completely inappropriate and I wouldn't recommend it to some of you who read this blog... :)).  

Last night I went for what ended up being a rejuvenating run to prep for the two-mile Fun Run I'll be running on Saturday in Reedsburg (hometown).  Tonight it's raining so no run, but maybe some pool with my neighbor again.  I got Friday off so I will head home on Thursday night after work and be there all weekend for the Butter Fest and a high school friend's wedding.  I might even get to work a table at the Butter Fest with my mom.  Good times.  I love being from a small town.

The first on-call shift

Hello readers.  

The week escaped faster than I thought.  I am now finished with my first week of CPE and currently doing my first on-call shift.  That means that, since it is Saturday, I am in the hospital from 9am-9am on Sunday.  Mostly I am to respond to whatever immediate needs come up, and I have also been doing some follow-up with patients (which means they have asked for someone from the Chaplain's Office to visit them again).  

The week went well.  I was feeling pretty anxious about everything all week.  We spent most of our time taking care of paperwork stuff, learning policies, and doing role-play to practice for real situations.  We've practiced and talked about what to do in all sorts of circumstances - the everyday to the sudden traumatic.  I can't say I feel confident in everything yet, even the basics, but as I get to know the hospital more, and meet with patients more, my anxiety is lessening.

Meeting with patients has been great, though I find it interesting that so far almost every time I pray with a patient or with their family I find myself getting emotional.  It's hard for me to talk when I want to cry, so this is difficult, but I'm working through it and continuing to pray for strength, peace, and comfort.  I haven't lost it with any patients, nor have I even cried really, but my voice changes, and I'm sure they can tell something is up.  I haven't figured out why my body responds that way yet...I wonder if it's because I feel touched to be in that sacred space with people.  Sometimes it might be because I wish they didn't have to be in the hospital and suffer from whatever it is.  I think usually it is feeling so honored to be invited into people's lives, just for a moment, to walk with them on part of the journey, and know that we are all in it together.  Praying with people is usually powerful for me, especially when we are praying specifically for something to happen.  In this case it is mostly healing.  I pray for the doctors and nurses that serve the patients, and for the families, too.  

I mentioned before that I am on-call today.  I will be on-call 10 times this summer, approximately once per week.  We are on-site when on-call, so I stay in our Pastoral Care office when I'm not seeing patients or getting outside for some air.  

I said in earlier posts that I am part of a group of 7 that are doing this program together.  My group is great and we get along well.  It is fun to be together - that helped this orientation week to go by more quickly.  It will be good to learn from each other as we all go through this together.  The religious breakup: three ELCA Lutherans (including myself), two men studying to be Catholic priests, one Evangelical Covenant, and one Baptist.  We are a good mix.

When I'm not at the hospital, I've been staying pretty busy.  I spent time with my neighbor playing pool one night, hung out with some fellow CPE students another, and got to have dinner last night with some close college friends.  Coming to Chicago was a great idea, both in being able to be close to my parents and grandparents, and getting to be near close friends that I haven't seen in a while.  

That's enough for this post.  I hope you are enjoying reading about one ELCA seminarian's experience of CPE.  

A good start

My first day of CPE has come and gone.  All in all it was a good day.  Full of awkwardness all over the place, but that is to be expected.  I think my group will be fun to work with.  We at least attempted some bonding today, and I think all made some kind of connection with each other.  We are down to a group of seven from eight, the last had to move out of state at the last minute and so won't be able to join us.  So for this summer unit it'll be me, five guys around my age, and one other woman who has done numerous units of CPE.  [Sidenote: As forewarned by some of my seminary peers, I will refrain from talking about my group members or the issues that they struggle with over the course of the summer.  It is not my job or my interest to analyze them, especially on the interweb.  I intend for this blog to be about me, my life, and the issues I feel comfortable bringing up with the entire world.  Hopefully that will be interesting enough for you readers out there (who I imagine would rather hear about my own experience of CPE anyway).]  I am less nervous about this whole endeavor than I was last night.  I am excited to go through this experience with my group, learn a lot about myself, and be challenged in ways I can't foresee.  We will start on the floor (whatever that means) on Thursday...still a little nervous about actually doing what we talked about today (dealing a lot with crisis situations surrounding death), but feeling more confident in the skills I will acquire and get to work on when the time comes.

There isn't too much else to report about for today.  I went for a good run after getting home, which is always refreshing and uplifting.  I'm thinking about running the Two-Mile Fun Run at the Run for the Butter in my hometown in a couple weekends.  My hometown, Reedsburg, Wisconsin, is known as the Butter Capital of the World (I have no idea how it got to be that way), so we celebrate the Butter Festival every June.  I haven't been in town for it since high school.  They elect a Miss Reedsburg, who some of us endearingly call the Butter Queen.  Should be a good time.  The real reason for my returning to Reedsburg that weekend is to see a close high school friend be married off.  I can't wait!

To Begin

Hello friends, family, and other interested readers.

If you can't tell already, I have never kept a blog before.  I have never published my ideas, experiences, and thoughts publicly.  This is a totally new experience.  And yet, it seems fitting to start one now, as I am on the brink of another totally new experience - that of CPE.  CPE stands for Clinical Pastoral Education, and it is a required component for those seeking to be ordained in the ELCA (Evangelical Lutheran Church in America).  I myself am in that group - I just finished my first year of seminary at Pacific Lutheran Theological Seminary in Berkeley, California.  And now here I am in my new apartment in Chicago...

I don't really know how this experience will go...(I was referring first to blogging, and then realized I feel the same about CPE tonight...)  My reason and interest in keeping a blog during this time in my life (and who knows if it might extend further?) is as an outlet and a place of processing...  I hope that having motivation to write about my experiences in a format that will be seen by others and not just myself will force me to sort out whatever needs to be...my thoughts, feelings, experiences...  I know this summer (did I say I'm just doing CPE for the summer?) will be challenging personally, emotionally, mentally, spiritually...and I'd like a way to motivate myself to write about it regularly.  I don't find that journaling always does that for me...I do journal quite often, but really I go through phases and I might feel less inclined to journal this summer than to blog...  

So here I am.  Here we are.  At the beginning.  It's the night before I begin.  A little more about CPE - I'm doing one unit, which is typically done over the summer.  You can also do it over the course of a semester, or there are year-long CPE programs.  The ELCA simply requires me to do one unit.  CPE is typically done in a hospital setting, gaining practical experience as a Chaplain Extern (as my hospital ID badge says).  I will be in a group of eight students, five are fellow seminarians, though not from my seminary and I doubt I know them.  One of the others is a priest, and the last has done CPE before.  As far as I know, I have not met any of these people previously.  We all go through the experience together, meeting as a group to talk about our experiences, work through our personal issues, and hone our skills for conflict management.  We are led by a supervisor, who is a hospital chaplain.  I will meet all of these people tomorrow (less my supervisor who I met face-to-face last week), and find out more about what exactly we'll be doing.  From what I know this week will consist mainly of orientation matters.

That seems like a good place to start, and a good place to finish my first blog.  Feel free to leave comments or contact me should you have any questions or want further information.  Thanks for being on this journey with me - I am happy to have your company, thoughts, prayers, love, hugs, phone calls, emails, etc.

Anticipant, hopeful, and a little nervous,

Kirsten