Personality tests and Verbatims

I'm back in Reedsburg for KS's wedding.  I got to take today off, which I have to say is a great thing.  It's a challenge for me to be required to work six days a week.  I am not one who lives to be in the office.  It's just not how I'm wired.  

I'm scrapping the attempt at organization from the last blog...though I'm still trying to figure out my style.  There are other blogs that I keep up on and at some point it seems that the blogger wants to know who's reading.  I typically wouldn't respond to such a request, and didn't really know why they wanted to know so badly until I started my own.  I'm not asking you to respond, but I do get the whole 'I wonder who's reading my blog' thing.  

Another piece of business about the blog that you'll see in the next paragraph - I just figured out that I can insert links to help you learn more about some things that I talk about.  You can see that some of the words are green and bold below.  You can click on those words and be taken to a site that I linked for your convenience to help explain that topic.  The links I'm using right now are from Wikipedia (an online encyclopedia), and while I don't agree or ascribe to everything in the link, it is at least helpful if you need more information on the topic.

I told you in my last blog that in Group we had to share our stories.  We will be doing a lot of learning and conversation about numerous things over the summer.  We did some personality tests this week - the Enneagram (my favorite!), Myers-Briggs, and Keirsey Temperament.  The MB and KT are related somehow.  I have to say I am not a fan of that system.  It might have to do with testing different on the MB every time I take it (3 and counting), and my MB type not fitting under what Temperament I think I am.  It is not very helpful.  This time I tested ISXX (which, for those of you that know the MB means that I tested equal for T/F and P/J).  I most identify with the Idealist Temperament.  On the Enneagram I am a 9 (the best type, as DPR would say :)).  I love talking about the Enneagram, so if you ever want to know more, ask!

Another new component we added to Group this week was Verbatims.  We are all required to do eight verbatims.  A quick explanation from what I know: a verbatim is a reflection on one specific encounter with a patient.  We are to type up the whole conversation, line by line, and include our own reflections on how we did, why we said this or that, or what our reactions were.  We then bring our verbatim to the Group where everyone reads it - other group members even read your conversation line by line so you can hear how it sounds.  Then we have conversation about it as a group, offering constructive criticism, encouragement, affirmation, etc.  The purpose is for self-growth of course (that's pretty much what this whole program is about), so it's about being challenged to learn about my responses to the world and why I respond that way.  

I drove through the worst storm in my life last night from Chicago to Reedsburg.  I was seriously wondering when I would be swept off the road in a tornado.  I envisioned living the movie Twister.  I am thankful to be at home, spending time with my parents and playing with Abby (the family dog).  Butter Fest is tonight and tomorrow (for me, really it is a week-long affair) - I'm excited for the tractor pull and demolition derby!, and KS's wedding tomorrow.  

Units, Stories, and Running

[I think I'm going to try and split my blogs into two sections: CPE and Homelife.  Don't know if I'll like the format yet, or if it's necessary, but I'm trying it this time.]

CPE

It's week 2, and things are still going well.  The rest of that first on-call shift was pretty slow...I had a page at 2am, and so responded, but there ended up not being much to do, so I hung around for a while, and then went back to bed (we sleep in the Pastoral Care office, adjacent to the hospital, when on-call).  

Getting to meet with patients more continues to be valuable.  Each time I become more comfortable, and yet it is still challenging.  I never know what will happen when I knock on the door to check in while making rounds, or while following up on a request.  (People are asked when they arrive to the hospital if they would like a chaplain to visit them.  If they say yes, it gets put in the computer system and somehow we get the fax request and follow up with them.)

I haven't told you what units I am assigned to yet - for the summer during the week I'll be doing rounds on the Pediatrics, Pediatric-ICU (Intensive Care Unit) or PIC-U, and the MIC-U (Medical Intensive Care Unit) Stepdown (meaning the patients are getting better, and probably going home soon - they don't need as much care as in the ICU).  I've been doing rounds on these floors since Friday (i.e. for three days, since on weekends we don't make rounds).  When I say I'm doing rounds, it means I'm just walking around the floor, checking in with patients to see how they are, and if I can be helpful to them at all.  If they happen to engage in conversation somehow, I can pray with them, listen to them, read scripture, or whatever they need.  I have been doing a bit of everything.  Mostly praying - people are very thankful to be prayed for, it seems, but not all want to get into much conversation.  Some do, and I enjoy that.  I am realizing what a unique role chaplains have because we usually see people for such a short period of time (I heard the average hospital stay nowadays is 7-9 days).  Because of that it can be easier to ask the tough questions more up front and give people the opportunity to talk about their experiences and their suffering.  We don't have to worry about building a great relationship, because once they leave it's over.  Hospital chaplains have a very unique ministry field.

Our whole group (7 of us + the supervisor) meets every morning for Morning Prayer.  We each take turns leading it.  Then we usually have something to do together in the mornings.  We break for lunch, come back to finish whatever we were doing, and then head out to the Units for rounds.  In group over the last two days we all got to tell our Story. Our life story, our call story, whatever we felt was important in shaping us to be who we are.  It was helpful for me to think about this question when preparing: how does your story affect your ministry?  We were to find the theological themes in our lives - how are things related, what themes have been recurring, etc.  I have done the story-telling thing so many times that I don't really prepare much anymore, but I find myself remembering different things each time.  This time I tried to wonder about how I function in ministry - what drives me - and where that came from.  I decided that there is a theme of compassion in who I am.  Ever since I was young I have felt compassion for people, feeling their pain (and wanting it to go away maybe?).  I have a sensitivity for sensing when other people hurt or feeling left out, etc., and I find my heart breaking and wanting to reach out to them.  I have to root for the underdog.  I want to let those who aren't heard be heard, and defend those who need to be defended.  Obviously, I don't always do this, as it is challenging to do every time, but the sense of compassion is always there, trying to call me out of my fear.

Homelife

As for life outside of CPE, I am still staying really busy.  Sunday after getting off I joined a close college friend, HS (initials - a practice I appreciate from KS's blog), for worship at SLLC in Logan Square, then lunch at the Farmers' Market there.  When I got back I got a call from TH, a CPE colleague, who wanted to head to the lake, so we spent the afternoon by the waters of Lake Michigan with the thousands of other people at Lincoln Park.  We grabbed dinner and saw The Hangover that night (hilarious movie, but completely inappropriate and I wouldn't recommend it to some of you who read this blog... :)).  

Last night I went for what ended up being a rejuvenating run to prep for the two-mile Fun Run I'll be running on Saturday in Reedsburg (hometown).  Tonight it's raining so no run, but maybe some pool with my neighbor again.  I got Friday off so I will head home on Thursday night after work and be there all weekend for the Butter Fest and a high school friend's wedding.  I might even get to work a table at the Butter Fest with my mom.  Good times.  I love being from a small town.

The first on-call shift

Hello readers.  

The week escaped faster than I thought.  I am now finished with my first week of CPE and currently doing my first on-call shift.  That means that, since it is Saturday, I am in the hospital from 9am-9am on Sunday.  Mostly I am to respond to whatever immediate needs come up, and I have also been doing some follow-up with patients (which means they have asked for someone from the Chaplain's Office to visit them again).  

The week went well.  I was feeling pretty anxious about everything all week.  We spent most of our time taking care of paperwork stuff, learning policies, and doing role-play to practice for real situations.  We've practiced and talked about what to do in all sorts of circumstances - the everyday to the sudden traumatic.  I can't say I feel confident in everything yet, even the basics, but as I get to know the hospital more, and meet with patients more, my anxiety is lessening.

Meeting with patients has been great, though I find it interesting that so far almost every time I pray with a patient or with their family I find myself getting emotional.  It's hard for me to talk when I want to cry, so this is difficult, but I'm working through it and continuing to pray for strength, peace, and comfort.  I haven't lost it with any patients, nor have I even cried really, but my voice changes, and I'm sure they can tell something is up.  I haven't figured out why my body responds that way yet...I wonder if it's because I feel touched to be in that sacred space with people.  Sometimes it might be because I wish they didn't have to be in the hospital and suffer from whatever it is.  I think usually it is feeling so honored to be invited into people's lives, just for a moment, to walk with them on part of the journey, and know that we are all in it together.  Praying with people is usually powerful for me, especially when we are praying specifically for something to happen.  In this case it is mostly healing.  I pray for the doctors and nurses that serve the patients, and for the families, too.  

I mentioned before that I am on-call today.  I will be on-call 10 times this summer, approximately once per week.  We are on-site when on-call, so I stay in our Pastoral Care office when I'm not seeing patients or getting outside for some air.  

I said in earlier posts that I am part of a group of 7 that are doing this program together.  My group is great and we get along well.  It is fun to be together - that helped this orientation week to go by more quickly.  It will be good to learn from each other as we all go through this together.  The religious breakup: three ELCA Lutherans (including myself), two men studying to be Catholic priests, one Evangelical Covenant, and one Baptist.  We are a good mix.

When I'm not at the hospital, I've been staying pretty busy.  I spent time with my neighbor playing pool one night, hung out with some fellow CPE students another, and got to have dinner last night with some close college friends.  Coming to Chicago was a great idea, both in being able to be close to my parents and grandparents, and getting to be near close friends that I haven't seen in a while.  

That's enough for this post.  I hope you are enjoying reading about one ELCA seminarian's experience of CPE.  

A good start

My first day of CPE has come and gone.  All in all it was a good day.  Full of awkwardness all over the place, but that is to be expected.  I think my group will be fun to work with.  We at least attempted some bonding today, and I think all made some kind of connection with each other.  We are down to a group of seven from eight, the last had to move out of state at the last minute and so won't be able to join us.  So for this summer unit it'll be me, five guys around my age, and one other woman who has done numerous units of CPE.  [Sidenote: As forewarned by some of my seminary peers, I will refrain from talking about my group members or the issues that they struggle with over the course of the summer.  It is not my job or my interest to analyze them, especially on the interweb.  I intend for this blog to be about me, my life, and the issues I feel comfortable bringing up with the entire world.  Hopefully that will be interesting enough for you readers out there (who I imagine would rather hear about my own experience of CPE anyway).]  I am less nervous about this whole endeavor than I was last night.  I am excited to go through this experience with my group, learn a lot about myself, and be challenged in ways I can't foresee.  We will start on the floor (whatever that means) on Thursday...still a little nervous about actually doing what we talked about today (dealing a lot with crisis situations surrounding death), but feeling more confident in the skills I will acquire and get to work on when the time comes.

There isn't too much else to report about for today.  I went for a good run after getting home, which is always refreshing and uplifting.  I'm thinking about running the Two-Mile Fun Run at the Run for the Butter in my hometown in a couple weekends.  My hometown, Reedsburg, Wisconsin, is known as the Butter Capital of the World (I have no idea how it got to be that way), so we celebrate the Butter Festival every June.  I haven't been in town for it since high school.  They elect a Miss Reedsburg, who some of us endearingly call the Butter Queen.  Should be a good time.  The real reason for my returning to Reedsburg that weekend is to see a close high school friend be married off.  I can't wait!

To Begin

Hello friends, family, and other interested readers.

If you can't tell already, I have never kept a blog before.  I have never published my ideas, experiences, and thoughts publicly.  This is a totally new experience.  And yet, it seems fitting to start one now, as I am on the brink of another totally new experience - that of CPE.  CPE stands for Clinical Pastoral Education, and it is a required component for those seeking to be ordained in the ELCA (Evangelical Lutheran Church in America).  I myself am in that group - I just finished my first year of seminary at Pacific Lutheran Theological Seminary in Berkeley, California.  And now here I am in my new apartment in Chicago...

I don't really know how this experience will go...(I was referring first to blogging, and then realized I feel the same about CPE tonight...)  My reason and interest in keeping a blog during this time in my life (and who knows if it might extend further?) is as an outlet and a place of processing...  I hope that having motivation to write about my experiences in a format that will be seen by others and not just myself will force me to sort out whatever needs to be...my thoughts, feelings, experiences...  I know this summer (did I say I'm just doing CPE for the summer?) will be challenging personally, emotionally, mentally, spiritually...and I'd like a way to motivate myself to write about it regularly.  I don't find that journaling always does that for me...I do journal quite often, but really I go through phases and I might feel less inclined to journal this summer than to blog...  

So here I am.  Here we are.  At the beginning.  It's the night before I begin.  A little more about CPE - I'm doing one unit, which is typically done over the summer.  You can also do it over the course of a semester, or there are year-long CPE programs.  The ELCA simply requires me to do one unit.  CPE is typically done in a hospital setting, gaining practical experience as a Chaplain Extern (as my hospital ID badge says).  I will be in a group of eight students, five are fellow seminarians, though not from my seminary and I doubt I know them.  One of the others is a priest, and the last has done CPE before.  As far as I know, I have not met any of these people previously.  We all go through the experience together, meeting as a group to talk about our experiences, work through our personal issues, and hone our skills for conflict management.  We are led by a supervisor, who is a hospital chaplain.  I will meet all of these people tomorrow (less my supervisor who I met face-to-face last week), and find out more about what exactly we'll be doing.  From what I know this week will consist mainly of orientation matters.

That seems like a good place to start, and a good place to finish my first blog.  Feel free to leave comments or contact me should you have any questions or want further information.  Thanks for being on this journey with me - I am happy to have your company, thoughts, prayers, love, hugs, phone calls, emails, etc.

Anticipant, hopeful, and a little nervous,

Kirsten