Challenges outside of class and Critique of the ELCA seminary system

Outside of class I am challenged with personal growth issues that I first grew aware of in CPE (like finding a voice and learning to have confidence in the gifts God has given me, one of those being a leader - I find that using my gifts for leadership is especially challenging among my peers). I am challenged (and blessed) with living in a small community once again. I am challenged in caring deeply for someone 2,000 miles away and in looking toward an unknown future with him.

(There are a number of challenges our seminary system presents for single people, and married people, in the way it is setup...I believe all the parts are important (academic study, CPE, internship, a short cross-cultural experience, Teaching Parish), but it seems like there must be a better way...one more conducive to today’s person with financial challenges.

[Side note: did you know Lutheran seminary used to be free once upon a time? It was that way for my grandfather when he was in seminary so many years ago. Today we pay almost as much as a private school education, with tuition, room, board, insurance, and all the necessities. It’s ridiculous. There is help out there, but even the help isn’t across the board for everyone, nor is it very helpful for some. I am so frustrated with the scholarship philosophy currently, which favors students at some seminaries over others by having each school raise it’s own money for scholarships, instead of having a general pool of scholarship money for all eight ELCA seminaries. To me this system says that we care about students at some schools more than others. This is not consistent with our theology! I am so thankful to have gifts from family, friends, congregations, and PLTS to be able to be here.]

To explain why I think the seminary process isn’t so user friendly: “traditionally” it is expected that students complete four years of seminary - either at an ELCA sem. or at any school of your choice, but the latter requires a year of study at the former to be ordained in the ELCA, a requirement that seems very fitting. The third of those four years is for internship, unless the student has a legitimate reason for requesting a fourth-year internship (which sometimes then still requires a semester at sem. after, before being up for a congregational call). This means that for the first two years and the last year, a “traditional” seminary student can expect to be in one place (for me, Berkeley), unless the student decides to transfer for whatever reason. The third year is spent somewhere other than that one place, unless one restricts (which you also have to have reason to do...like your spouse works where you need to be, etc. Just wanting to stay in one place is not acceptable.) Let me say that I am not against moving or doing ministry in different contexts, especially different locational contexts around the country. The challenge for me, a single young person who is interested in finding someone to spend my life with, is that if I were to find someone that I was interested in at least exploring a future with someone, it is almost impossible that we could be in the same place for two or three years, thereby struggling to explore that future from a distance, which I have to admit is very hard to do. [For married or engaged people, there is a similar challenge that I won’t go into for the sake of this blog getting terribly long.] I am not saying any of this is impossible, but you’d think that we could work to make the system a little more “user” friendly. Some of my criticisms of this process...)

I am trying to take the current challenges (remember? I mentioned them so long ago at the beginning of this post.) head on, wrestling with them, and actively seeking to grow from them. I started going to therapy last week, and I am very excited about the potential gained from such experiences. I have already been exposed to so many opportunities to work on my personal growth, and it seems like therapy will be another step of intentionality about facing my challenges.

The Class (and Book) List

I am very excited for this trip (Sassy Ladies). And it is a welcome excitement, for this school year has seemed really hard for me. Academically, things are great - I love my classes, and I even love what we’re reading and the things we’re being challenged to do! Though it’s a lot to keep up with, as usual, I am having so much fun. The rundown of classes, assigned textbooks and other reading:

Preaching - Preaching by Fred Craddock; The Homiletical Plot by Eugene Lowry

Systematic Theology - God - The World's Future by Ted Peters; various readings by a number of great theologians like Martin Luther, Karl Barth, Jurgen Moltmann, Dietrich Bonhoeffer, Catherine Mowry LaCugna, Karl Rahner, and Paul Tillich

Worship Prep - Preparing for Liturgy by Austin Fleming

Ministry Across Cultures (pre-req. for doing my Cross-Cultural Experience in January) - A Different Mirror: A History of Multicultural America by Ronald Takaki; The Wolf Shall Dwell with The Lamb by Eric Law; Injustice and the Care of Souls: Taking Oppression Seriously in Pastoral Care by Sheryl Kujuway-Holbrook and Karen Montagno; A Theology of Liberation by Gustavo Gutierrez

[Lutheran] Confessions - The Book of Concord: The Confessions of the Evangelical Lutheran Church ed. Robert Kolb and Timothy Wengert; Fortress Introduction to the Lutheran Confessions by Guenther Gassman and Scott Hendrix; The Augsburg Confession: A Commentary by Leif Grane; Lutheranism: The Theological Movement and Its Confessional Writings by Eric Gritsch and Robert Jenson

Sassy Ladies in Austin

The time has come for the annual Sassy Ladies trip! I’m finally in Austin with the Sauey family ladies. There are 10 of us this year. My mom and I got to be the planners this year, so I’m pretty excited to show the girls around the city. Our itinerary includes things like the Austin Duck Adventures (which is totally perfect for our group!), touring the state capital, shopping on South Congress, and the Austin Bats under the South Congress bridge. I really enjoy getting to do this trip each year. I love getting to know my aunts and grandma better, and spending time with my mom and sis. Being in a group of ladies that are all related is a special, exciting, and meaningful experience. Last year I realized that we could be more intentional about learning from one another and sharing our life experiences, so one night I asked the group how they knew they wanted to marry the person they married, or what attracted them to him, etc. I really enjoyed the sharing that followed - it was a level of intimacy I hadn’t experienced with them. This year my mom and I have been intentional about including a time for that intimate conversation, and we’ve been trying to come up with questions to ask. My mom invested in a package of “girl talk” cards for some ideas. We haven’t decided on the question yet, but I am already looking forward to the conversation. One question I have been tossing around from conversations with my mom and sister is about giving up/changing/modifying last names for marriage. As women, I think this could be insightful and valuable for us. We’ll see what happens.

Back in Berkeley

Alas, here I am once again, blogging to you, my faithful or not-so-faithful readers. Welcome to the next step in my journey as an ELCA seminarian.

A few unrelated thoughts first:

• It seems that ever since my apartment was burglarized, I have been less in touch with the electronic world via the interweb. I would love to be more regular about blogging and keeping in touch with people through such wonderful inventions as Facebook. First the struggle was living without a personal computer. I realize this is such a sign of my being a resident of the "first-world". From what I have heard, most of the world survive without personal computers, and yet as a resident of this, the United States, I find myself unable to function at some level without my computer. It reminds me of those times when my cell phone doesn't work and I ask, how did the world function without cell phones? Granted I was even alive when we lived without computers or cell phones, and yet the inventions have been so novel and so helpful that I can't even remember what it was like to hope that someone would pick me up at the airport when my flight came in late or other similar situations for which the cell phone has been so helpful.

• The second and latest struggle in my lessened ability to keep updated and updating is the beginning of another school year in which I have been working most to find the balance of full-time student life again. It takes a while to get back in the swing of things, though I can tell the process didn't take so long this fall as it did last year, when I was a new student after a 4-year hiatus.

Now here I am, finished with both my first year of seminary and CPE, beginning my second year of academic study. Sometimes I am overwhelmed with this process and the way it seems my life is planned out for the next few years. One would think this is a comfort. In fact, while life is planned for me, it is still largely unknown. As it is right now, I will be a seminarian for another 3 years (including the one I am just beginning). This year I continue to reside at PLTS, aside from my Cross-Cultural Experience in January, for which I am hoping to go abroad somewhere. Next year I will be on internship at a destination yet to be determined.

[I think internship is the piece that makes this journey uncomfortable. It makes seminary not like college, when I knew I would be at St. Olaf for four years. It's like this big question mark thrown into the mix, and it makes me feel unsettled. That could be a good thing...for I do believe (and experienced first-hand in CPE this summer) that it is when we get out of our comfort zones and when our ego is out of the way that the Spirit is able to work and have the greatest impact. Good thing aside, life feels uncertain and planned for me at the same time.]

The year after internship I return to PLTS for my fourth year and final year of study. It is after that time that I will go through Approval with my Candidacy Committee, and if they feel like I am a good candidate for ministry they will approve me and I will then move into the draft of new grads looking for a First Call. It is once I am so called to my first congregation that I can then be ordained. Ordination in the ELCA cannot happen until the First Call is initiated.

In a couple weeks I am up for the second of three steps in the Candidacy process (of which I mentioned Approval is the third and last, and Entrance is the first) - Endorsement. Endorsement is when I need to decide which track I am pursuing - ordination (pastor), consecration (diaconal minister or deaconess), or commissioned (Associates In Ministry or AIM). I am pursuing ordination. In addition to choosing a track to which one feels called, one then needs to write the Endorsement Essay, where one reflects on her call to ministry and tells her story since Entrance (traditionally coincides with the beginning of academic study at a seminary). The Endorsement Essay asks theological questions about the creeds, scripture, and other historical documents of which the candidate needs to disclose her thoughts. It also asks the candidate to reflect on the ELCA's Constitution and By-laws, as well as Vision and Expectations (written for all rostered peoples of the ELCA).

I have tossed around the idea of posting my Endorsement Essay here for you all to read. In the end I decided not to do that for a number of different reasons, one being that I didn't feel like I got to say all I wanted to say in the amount of space allotted. If you happen to be really curious and ask nicely, I may be inclined to email you a copy...

The final part of Endorsement is the Endorsement Interview, at which I sit before a couple representatives of my Candidacy Committee and my academic advisor at PLTS. From what I know they will ask me questions from their reading of my Essay, as well as anything else they feel they need to know in order to decide if they feel I should be Endorsed. My interview is on October 13 at 8am. I would appreciate any thoughts or prayers during that time, as the interview is an important and albeit a little scary part of the process. The Committee then decides if I should be Endorsed, Postponed, or Denied to continue as a candidate for ministry in the ELCA. I will definitely keep you updated as things progress.

I would like to blog about my classes this semester and other more personal things, but for now this post is long enough. More on those things another day. Grace and peace to you!

The End of CPE and The Beginning of the Next Transition

It has been over a month since my last entry. I finished CPE on Friday and am now celebrating by spending a couple days with my sister in her new homestate of Florida. It has been so good to be with her again and get some small taste for her new life down here. Today (now technically yesterday) we spent the afternoon soaking up rays at Mexico Beach (on the panhandle...she lives in Panama City), and tomorrow we'll do the same at Panama City Beach. I'll head back up to Chicago on Wednesday night, pack up my apartment, and head to my parents house on Saturday. On Sunday I'll begin the drive back to the west coast. Right now the plan is to drive through Denver, stay a couple days, and make it out to Berkeley by September 5. Unfortunately I won't have much time to spend in Denver...I miss being there so much. I can't wait to get back, even for such a short visit. I'm going to miss DPR and APR, who will be out of town. I'm so sad. But I'm hoping to see EC, BS, TM, and CK at least.

I have loved living in Chicago this summer. It is such a fun city in the summertime. I've been able to spend time with such great people - I am going to miss that the most. I loved going out with TH, ZJ, and KJ. I cherished dinners with KG, JG, and MG. I will miss getting together with HS, BK, SN, and LN. I'll even miss living with SN - she has been a great roommate and a lot of fun to get to know. I'll also miss what Chicago has to offer - a beautiful skyline, Summer Dance in Grant Park, great museums, the lakefront, great food (I finally got to have curry last week and it was amazing!), user-friendly public transportation. I won't miss being on-call, sleeping (or not) at the hospital, writing intense self-reflective papers, and working M-F 8:30-4:30.

The end of CPE was bittersweet. I actually am glad I went through the process and let myself really engage with it and dig deep into my stuff. I can't say it was always fun, or that I would do it again (at least anytime soon), but I am thankful. Something important I have been learning these last couple weeks is about the way I am in the world. I was told at a friend's wedding that I am a private person. I never thought of myself as such, but have come to realize why I could/am perceived that way. I want to work on being more open and sharing myself with the world. I want to work on overcoming my fear and feeling of being unimportant so that I can be myself and have other people join me on my journey, instead of trying to do it all myself. I know this won't be an easy thing to learn, as I think our society encourages us to try to live life on our own without a community walking with us, but right now I am up for the challenge. I am also still working on having a voice. I want and need to stay conscious of both of these things as I head back to seminary.

I want to give you a little life update on the last month. The reason for my lack of blogging is that my apartment was burglarized almost a month ago. The intruder broke in/out through my bedroom window and stole mine and my roommate's laptops, as well as my digital camera and jewelry. It was a very traumatic experience, and I still find myself on edge about having windows shut and locked, for fear of someone breaking in. Thankfully neither my roommate nor I were present when the intruder broke in. I was the one who came home from work to find my room violated and our stuff gone. What a terrible experience. I don't wish it on anyone. And at the same time I know that things like this happen often - way more often than I even consider. It's terrible, and it happens, and it's not like I can do much to make it any different. Granted I could have been shutting and locking my windows all summer, but I have now learned my lesson. Things are much better now. I've been working with insurance (thankfully I had renter's - I recommend having it if you rent - it's cheap and worth it) - it's been frustrating b/c they're not going to give me enough to replace everything at the value I bought it all at, but at least they're giving me something. I'm typing this from my new MacBook Pro. I haven't replaced the camera or any jewelry yet. Eventually.

I think almost all of my dating friends have gotten engaged in the last month. It is absolutely ridiculous. As of today the list includes VT and DC, my brother and EJ, KD and JW, HS and BK, and KG and FK. That is so many weddings for next year. Don't get me wrong - I am excited for them all, but 5 engagements in one month...!

Two weekends ago I got to fly to L.A. and witness the marriage of my good friend EJ and his new wife CJ. They are such great people and I am so excited for them. EJ is a good friend from college, so it was a little Olaf reunion. Good times. It was so good to see "everyone", even if it was such a quick weekend and I feel like catching up just wasn't quite possible with each one.

That brings me to the end of CPE and now Florida. Soon to be Chicago to Wisconsin, to Denver, to Berkeley. I can't wait to get back to the Bay Area. I miss the seminary community and I am so excited to move in with KD! It's going to be a great year. Right now I'm trying to stay present in this transition, consciously saying my goodbyes, and hellos and goodbyes, and hellos again. Thanks for staying with me this summer if you made it this far. It was an important part of my journey, and just another season of growth. haha :) I'm not sure yet if I'll keep the blog going...my gut tells me I will so you can continue to follow me throughout my seminary experience, but we shall see. Until we meet again.